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It is more important for school children to learn about local history than world history. To what extent to you agree or disagree? v.3

It is more important for school children to learn about local history than world history. v. 3
The modern schooling systems always aiming to impart a good quality education for the students. However, in the process of providing a quality education they fail to focus on the local history, so In my opinion, it's always more important to focus on the local history than world history. To begin with, the local past teaches our own culture and tradition. In addition to that, learning our own culture and rituals is a very important thing. Because, it is the only way to pass those traditions to our successors. For example, if we are being thought about our own local history in schools, it has directly led us to convey it for the youngsters as we grow up to be old. Hence, learning about our past history really enlighten ourselves, and gives us a better understanding of what we are. Secondly, it leads a way for exploring many undiscovered sculptures and literary records. Furthermore, by analysing these records of the findings, we get to know about the early inhabitant's lifestyles, food styles and other aspects too. For Instance, the findings of the olden days are the only evidence of the past culture to update our knowledge about our ancestors. Therefore, these unprecedented findings always give us an upper hand in gaining knowledge about our past. In conclusion, learning and moving of culture and traditions to the future generation is a prominent factor. In order to do that, focussing on our local history will be the obvious priority rather than pursuing other histories. Moreover, in the modern world the old treasures are on the verge of extinction, so conserving that resources are also an important duty for us.
The modern schooling systems always aiming to impart a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
quality education for the students.
However
, in the process of providing a quality education they fail to focus on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
In my opinion, it's always more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to focus on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
than world history.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
past teaches our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
and tradition.
In addition
to that, learning our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
and rituals is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
, it is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way to pass those traditions to our successors.
For example
, if we are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
about our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
in schools, it has
directly
led us to convey it for the youngsters as we grow up to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
Hence
, learning about our past
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
really
enlighten ourselves, and gives us a better understanding of what we are.

Secondly
, it leads a way for exploring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
undiscovered sculptures and literary records.
Furthermore
, by
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
these records of the findings, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know about the early inhabitant's lifestyles, food styles and other aspects too.
For Instance
, the findings of the olden days are the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
evidence of the past
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
to update our knowledge about our ancestors.
Therefore
, these unprecedented findings always give us an upper hand in gaining knowledge about our past.

In conclusion
, learning and moving of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
and traditions to the future generation is a prominent factor. In order to do that, focussing on our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
will be the obvious priority
rather
than pursuing other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
histories
.
Moreover
, in the modern world the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
treasures are on the verge of extinction,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
conserving that resources are
also
an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
duty for us.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay It is more important for school children to learn about local history than world history. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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