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It is more important for school children to learn about their local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

It is more important for school children to learn about their local history than world history. v. 2
In the past, the conventional system of each family of eating meals was sitting and dining on the table. However, these days, the tendency of eating a meal has changed, and people prefer to have food separately. There are lots of reasons which affects our relationship. First and foremost, nowadays, people are maintaining a hectic schedule in the workplace, which considers as the main reason why family members are unable to dine together. The reality of each person, in modern time, is that they work outside of their houses, which may be very far from the office. Eventually, they get neither time to go home, nor any time to eat together with the family. For example, studies have shown that since most of the employers in the USA get a little time to fulfil their belly, they can not go home within a short time. This, invariably, leads them to take fast food which could be finished just having 4 or 5 bites. Therefore, people work strenuously hard at the office so that they are unable to go home, which makes them impossible to eat meals with relatives. The influence of absence, in the dining table, is a very negative one. The reason is that when one of the family members is not present, he/she is unable to share his/her feelings, gloominess, and even hilarious moment outside the home such as in schools, offices, and with friends. For instance, when the individual does not dine with his parents even in mealtime, this, eventually, detaches them from the family members. As a result, since he is isolated from family, he would face a psychosomatic problem. Thus, dining, at the same table, has some positive impacts on individuals. In conclusion, gone are those days when people dine together. This is because people are dealing with a busy routine which leads them in the condition of isolation due to unable to share the information of their lives with other family members.
In the past, the conventional system of each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
of eating meals was sitting and dining on the table.
However
, these days, the tendency of eating a meal has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to have food
separately
. There are lots of reasons which affects our relationship.

First
and foremost, nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are maintaining a hectic schedule in the workplace, which considers as the main reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unable
to dine together. The reality of each person, in modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, is that they work
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "outside".
outside of
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
, which may be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
far from the office.
Eventually
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
neither
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to go home, nor any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to eat together with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
For example
, studies have shown that since most of the employers in the USA
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to fulfil their belly, they can not go home within a short
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. This,
invariably
, leads them to take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food which could
be finished
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
having 4 or 5 bites.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
work
strenuously
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
at the office
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unable
to go home, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them impossible to eat meals with relatives.

The influence of absence, in the dining table, is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
one. The reason is that when one of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
is not present, he/she is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unable
to share his/her feelings, gloominess, and even hilarious moment outside the home such as in schools, offices, and with friends.
For instance
, when the individual does not dine with his parents even in mealtime, this,
eventually
, detaches them from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
.
As a result
, since he
is isolated
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, he would face a psychosomatic problem.
Thus
, dining, at the same table, has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts on individuals.

In conclusion
, gone are those days when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
dine together. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are dealing with a busy routine which leads them in the condition of isolation due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unable
to share the information of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay It is more important for school children to learn about their local history than world history. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
328 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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