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Some people believe that in order for a hobby to be enjoyable, it needs to be difficult. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that in order for a hobby to be enjoyable, it needs to be difficult. v. 1
It is generally accepted that hobby plays an essential role in the lives of almost every individual. However, while some argue that enjoyment could be achieved only with demanding hobbies, I would disagree with this statement for two reasons. The first reason why I am against with the idea of people attaining enjoyment only with difficult hobbies is that people have different tastes in taking hobbies. Some commentators would argue that for some such as thrill seekers, they would get pleasure only when they participate in tiresome experiences such as mountain climbing. However, I concede that this context is only for some because there are also countless members of society who feel delighted when they participate in undemanding hobbies such as drawing or reading. Thus as for the latter group, strenuous hobbies would not satisfy them. Further reason why I would argue against only difficult hobbies offer enjoyable emotion is that every hobbies have their unique advantages for various people. For example, knitting or reading makes doers calm and improves their concentration. As a result, those who find themselves peaceful in these conditions are more likely to find enjoyment in such kinds of hobbies. Likewise, some are into exercising and weight lifting as these hobbies are excellent for health and appearance which are their first priorities. Therefore, people tend to enjoy hobbies and their results rather than the difficulties of hobbies. Having discussed about why I disagree with some who feel that difficult hobbies provide enjoyment, I would say that when it comes to enjoyment, not only do hobbies affect people through their unique features and effects, but they also are differ depending on the type of person. Hence, on balance, it is unwise to claim that hobbies need to be difficult to be enjoyable.
It is
generally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
plays an essential role in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of almost every individual.
However
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
could
be achieved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
with demanding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
, I would disagree with this statement for two reasons.

The
first
reason why I am against with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
attaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
difficult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
tastes in taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
commentators would argue that for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
such as thrill seekers, they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
pleasure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
when they participate in tiresome experiences such as mountain climbing.
However
, I concede that this context is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are
also
countless members of society who feel delighted when they participate in undemanding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
such as drawing or reading.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
as for the latter group, strenuous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
would not satisfy them.

Further
reason why I would argue against
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
difficult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
offer enjoyable emotion is that every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "hobby"?
hobbies
have their unique advantages for various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For example
, knitting or reading
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
doers calm and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
their concentration.
As a result
, those who find themselves peaceful in these conditions are more likely to find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
in such kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
.
Likewise
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are into exercising and weight lifting as these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
are excellent for health and appearance which are their
first
priorities.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to enjoy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
and their results
rather
than the difficulties of hobbies.

Having
Did you mean simply "discussed why"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discussed about why
I disagree with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
who feel that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
difficult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
, I would say that when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
, not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
through their unique features and effects,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
also
are
Consider using a past participle here: "differed".
differ
depending on the type of person.
Hence
, on balance, it is unwise to claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
need to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
difficult
to be enjoyable.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that in order for a hobby to be enjoyable, it needs to be difficult. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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