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it is more important for a government to spend money on the education of very young children than to spend money on universities v.1

it is more important for a government to spend money on the education of very young children than to spend money on universities v. 1
These days, in the 20th century, we are living in a new era where smart phones has gained its popularity. While many people claim that it brings a lot of benefits to the life, I would argue that these mobile devices are causing many serious issues due to some reasons below. To begin with, there is no denying that we can easily see a person using smart phones in anywhere, any times. This thing is contributing to the destruction which can lead to some dangerous social problems. To illustrate, people are often distracted by a smartphone especially when they are driving the car and using it at the same time, accidents will suddenly happen and result in some serious consequences. Besides, It is known that there are some negative effects that children nowadays are being addicted by online games playing on a smart deal. Furthermore, late night chats or mobile, call up games playing on bright screen may cause eye problems which make children have some difficulties in studying. For example, a recent study shows that a part of students in the age group of 15-18 are eyesight because they use too much smart phones. The last one, It is universally accepted that this equipment are limiting the real communication. In our life, people often interact through the internet and social media without ever meeting each other. We are living in a virtual world which are killing our realistic communication skills. In conclusion, although smart contact brings to us some beneficial values, I would agree that it is also having some drawbacks affecting people’s lives.
These days, in the 20th century, we are living in a new era where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smart
phones has gained its popularity. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
claim that it brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
benefits to the life, I would argue that these mobile devices are causing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
serious issues due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons below.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there is no denying that we can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a person using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smart
phones in anywhere, any times. This thing is contributing to the destruction which can lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
social problems. To illustrate,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
distracted by a smartphone
especially
when they are driving the car and using it at the same time, accidents will
suddenly
happen and result in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious consequences.

Besides
, It
is known
that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects that children nowadays are
being addicted
by online games playing on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smart
deal.
Furthermore
, late night chats or mobile, call up games playing on bright screen may cause eye problems which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
children have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
difficulties in studying.
For example
, a recent study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that a part of students in the age group of 15-18 are eyesight
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smart
phones.

The last one, It is
universally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that
The verb 'are' is plural. Did you mean: "this equipment is"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
this equipment are
limiting the real communication. In our life,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
interact through the internet and social media without ever meeting each other. We are living in a virtual world which are killing our realistic communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smart
contact brings to us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
beneficial values, I would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that it is
also
having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks affecting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay it is more important for a government to spend money on the education of very young children than to spend money on universities v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
265 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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