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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement For the successful development of a country it is more important for a government to spend money on the education of very young children than to spend money on universities v.1

For the successful development of a country it is more important for a government to spend money on the education of very young children than to spend money on universities v. 1
Some regions in the world suffer from nonemployment and it is thought by some people the students in those countries should be merely able to study primary education. Studying secondary education is not necessary and even pointless since it is highly likely that they could not find any profession. In my opinion, it is true that some countries have problems with offering jobs for its people. However, I believe that it is not a sufficient reason to prevent individuals from educating themselves further. It is evident that, in many parts of the world the governments have proven ineffective in tackling the issue of unemployment. Nevertheless, this should not lead us to be hopeless.  There are some chances of being hired for the wanted vacant position. Firstly, the already filled positions may always become available. Both the worker and the employer might terminate their contracts when they feel the other party does not meet the requirements or expectations. In other words, there can be an unsatisfactory performance and skills in the employee which culminates in firing that person. As a result, the new job vacancy occurs. For example, despite there are 60 percent of people who failed to find an occupancy in Venezuela, the people commented on social media sites and said that they still have hopes. Moreover, the globalisation has contributed to increased mobility of each one of us. Therefore, if there is a high proportion of unemployment in a particular area, the one is able to travel easily to a place in which he or she can find a profession which suits his or her interests and skills. This situation also applies to the ones who prefers higher wages than currently gained. For example, there are many Indian medical doctors in the United Arab Emirates, they have left their countries because of the low salaries and filled many high positions in Dubai, particularly. Thus, the secondary teaching is necessary to gain an employment in another place or in the city the person is located. In conclusion, the governers fail to take necessary measures to prevention of unemployment. However, there are other possibilities of gaining an employment. A jobless individual might move to another country to achieve better opportunities or he or she can wait for a position to become available. I believe that, in order to be a candidate to any occupancy the seconday instruction is essential.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
regions in the world suffer from
Possible spelling mistake found.
nonemployment
and it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
the students in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should be
merely
able to study primary education. Studying secondary education is not necessary and even pointless since it is
highly
likely that they could not find any profession. In my opinion, it is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
have problems with offering jobs for its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
However
, I believe that it is not a sufficient reason to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
individuals from educating themselves
further
.

It is evident that, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parts of the world the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
have proven ineffective in tackling the issue of unemployment.
Nevertheless
, this should not lead us to be hopeless.  There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
chances of
being hired
for the wanted vacant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
.
Firstly
, the already filled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positions
may always become available. Both the worker and the employer might terminate their contracts when they feel the other party does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the requirements or expectations.
In other words
, there can be an unsatisfactory performance and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in the employee which culminates in firing that person.
As a result
, the new job vacancy occurs.
For example
, despite there are 60
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "percents"?
percent
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who failed to find an occupancy in Venezuela, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
commented on social media sites and said that they
still
have hopes.

Moreover
, the
Possible spelling mistake. 'globalisation' is British English.
globalisation
has contributed to increased mobility of each one of us.
Therefore
, if there is a high proportion of unemployment in a particular area, the one is able to travel
easily
to a place in which he or she can find a profession which suits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
interests and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. This situation
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
applies to
the ones who
Did you mean "prefer"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'ones' should be used.
prefers
higher wages than
currently
gained.
For example
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Indian medical doctors in the United Arab Emirates, they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the low salaries and filled
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positions
in Dubai,
particularly
.
Thus
, the secondary teaching is necessary to gain an employment in another place or in the city the person
is located
.

In conclusion
, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
governers
fail to take necessary measures to prevention of unemployment.
However
, there are other possibilities of gaining an employment. A jobless individual might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
to achieve better
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
opportunities or
he or she can wait for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
to become available. I believe that, in order to be a candidate to any occupancy the
Possible spelling mistake found.
seconday
instruction is essential.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay For the successful development of a country it is more important for a government to spend money on the education of very young children than to spend money on universities v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
398 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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