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It is inevitable that traditional cultures will be lost as technology develops. Technology and traditional cultures are incompatible. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view? v.15

It is inevitable that traditional cultures will be lost as technology develops. Technology and traditional cultures are incompatible. with this view? v. 15
Many people believe that developments of technology will perish the value of the traditional cultures, since they are incompatible. Although the first reactions to some people is to concur to such claims. Nevertheless, there are several reasons to refute this statement. In the following paragraphs, there are a number of perspectives to discuss this issue more in-depth. Firstly, the main reason to support my position is that high tech could be used to communicate with younger to know more about why we have these conventional cultures. Take my friend, Tina, for example, her hometown has a traditional event every summer. It bothered her that her family asked her to go back every year, however, she had no ideas why the traditional event should be held. Nonetheless, last year the town used VR to show the historical stories according to cultures before launching the activity. She finally knows the relations between the activity and her hometown. From such examples, it demonstrates that technology is a good resource to use in order to introduce others. Also, another reason for my belief is that high tech is a good way to promote cultures. For instance, my sister, Jane, she went Kyoto for the holidays last spring. Since she saw many of her friends posted amazing flowers' photos on Facebook, in addition, they attended traditional temple's celebrations there. Therefore, she bought the tickets immediately and then she flew to Japan on the next day. Consequently, it can be said that high tech could help promoting cultures widely. To conclude, it is not to say other points of view are totally without merits. Nonetheless, the reasons I have presented could support the position that I disagree with conventional cultures are inalienable with technology's development.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that developments of technology will perish the value of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
, since they are incompatible.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
the
first
reactions to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
to concur to such claims.
Nevertheless
, there are several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
to refute this statement. In the following paragraphs, there are a number of perspectives to discuss this issue more in-depth.

Firstly
, the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
to support my position is that high tech could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to communicate with younger to know more about why we have these conventional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
. Take my friend, Tina,
for example
, her hometown has a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
every summer. It bothered her that her family asked her to go back every year,
however
, she had no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
why the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
should
be held
. Nonetheless, last year the town
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
VR to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the historical stories according to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
launching the activity. She
finally
knows the relations between the activity and her hometown. From such examples, it demonstrates that technology is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
resource to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
in order to introduce others.

Also
, another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
for my belief is that high tech is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way to promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
.
For instance
, my sister, Jane, she went Kyoto for the holidays last spring. Since she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of her friends posted amazing flowers' photos on Facebook,
in addition
, they attended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
temple's celebrations there.
Therefore
, she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
the tickets
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
immediately and
then she flew to Japan on the
next
day.
Consequently
, it can
be said
that high tech could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
The verb 'help' is used with an infinitive: "to promote" or "promote".
promoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
widely
.

To conclude
, it is not to say other points of view are
totally
without merits. Nonetheless, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
I have presented could support the position that I disagree with conventional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
are inalienable with technology's development.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay It is inevitable that traditional cultures will be lost as technology develops. Technology and traditional cultures are incompatible. with this view? v. 15

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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