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It is inevitable that as technology advances, traditional cultures will be lost. It seems that we cannot have these two things together. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

It is inevitable that as technology advances, traditional cultures will be lost. It seems that we cannot have these two things together. v. 2
I absolutely agree that traditional cultures will be lost because of technological advancements. As we step into the future, our cultures, behavioural patterns, and exterior appearance become more homogeneous. There is nothing we can do about it, or could we? Actually, we could, by neglecting Technology and going back, but this seems rather unthinkable, doesn’t it? So it is obvious that there is no going back for us. With the advent of tech, cheap travelling, and seamless immigration processes, our cultures have started to become more and more mixed up to unprecedented levels. Many big cities around the world are being called multicultural, and it is only the beginning. Since different people live close to each other, they don’t care about religious, political or ethical beliefs nor do they care about social backgrounds. This encourages them to date and marry anybody they choose to. The ramifications of this will be that within a certain period of time, we are going to have a similar appearance and speak only one language; probably a mix of English and Chinese. Tech has also contributed to the growth of globalist tendencies in western countries. Now, these lands are taking in lots of immigrants, which are going to accelerate the speed of mixing. Technologies have given us a lot of freedom by automating tedious and repetitive jobs. Many people would say that it is great, but other advances are very questionable. Some of them are entering people’s interpersonal relationships which are the building blocks of cultures. In the future, it is absolutely possible that people are going to date not real people, but robots. It seems unreal now, but not long ago the internet seemed unreal too. It has already begun, the doll market is booming. Even the usual way of reproduction could be replaced by an invention of an artificial womb. With the arguments I provided above it is clear that we cannot have both. Whether it is going to be beneficial or harmful to people’s psyche, we do not know yet. It is inevitable that traditional cultures will be lost in time just like tears in rain.
I
absolutely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
will
be lost
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of technological advancements.

As we step into the future, our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'behavioural' is British English.
behavioural
patterns, and exterior appearance become more homogeneous. There is nothing we can do about it, or could we? Actually, we could, by neglecting

Technology and going back,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this seems
rather
unthinkable, doesn’t it?
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it is obvious that there is no going back for us.

With the advent of tech,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
travelling, and seamless immigration processes, our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to become more and more mixed up to unprecedented levels.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
cities around the world are
being called
multicultural, and it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the beginning. Since
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
close to each other, they don’t care about religious, political or ethical beliefs nor do they care about social backgrounds. This encourages them to date and marry anybody they choose to. The ramifications of this will be that within a certain period of time, we are going to have a similar appearance and speak
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one language;
probably
a mix of English and Chinese. Tech has
also
contributed to the growth of globalist tendencies in western countries.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, these lands are taking in lots of immigrants, which are going to accelerate the speed of mixing.

Technologies have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
freedom by automating tedious and repetitive jobs.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would say that it is great,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
other advances are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
questionable.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of them are entering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
interpersonal relationships which are the building blocks of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
. In the future, it is
absolutely
possible that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are going to date not real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
robots. It seems unreal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not long ago the internet seemed unreal too. It has already begun, the doll market is booming. Even the usual way of reproduction could
be replaced
by an invention of an artificial womb.

With the arguments I provided above it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that we cannot have both. Whether it is going to be beneficial or harmful to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
psyche, we do not know
yet
. It is inevitable that traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
will
be lost
in time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
like tears in rain.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay It is inevitable that as technology advances, traditional cultures will be lost. It seems that we cannot have these two things together. v. 2

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
354 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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