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In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations v.9

In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations v. 9
Thank to modern health care services along with nutritious diets, people are living longer than ever before. This situation could spell trouble for both family and community, in this essay I will describe these problems and give some methods to untangle them. In terms of society, ageing population has wrought severe damage to national economies owing to the fact that the countries which undergo this situation might suffer from the dearth of labour force in addition to the governments must spend a radical amount of revenue on social welfare. To illustrate this case, it takes Japanese government 15% of GDP to build retirement houses and pay pension for seniors. Regarding individuals, elderly people are usually deemed burdens of their family since they are vulnerable as well as being unable to take care of themselves. As a result, their offspring could not concentrate on their work and private life, which is sometime frustrate. While these complications are seemingly insurmountable, I believe that governments could adopt some resolution to mitigate them. Firstly, the authorities could boost working age, which is likely to utilize the labour of the old. As a result, aged people are able to dedicate themselves to their country and they will get a higher income than retirement pension. Accordingly these people might not depend on their children. Moreover, governments ought to implement new insurances, which will be invested in healthcare services such as hospitals as well as paying for seniors when they retire. Vietnamese workers, for instance, pay nearly 10% of their salary per month for insurances, which is predicted to be sufficient for future social welfare. Subsequently weighing all the aforementioned, I suppose that increasing average life expectancy is bringing many matters; however, they could be handled by governments’ actions.
Thank to modern health care services along with nutritious diets,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are living longer than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. This situation could spell trouble for both family and community, in this essay I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
these problems and give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
methods to untangle them.

In terms of society,
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
population has wrought severe damage to national economies owing to the fact that the countries which undergo this situation might suffer from the dearth of
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
force
in addition
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
spend a radical amount of revenue on social welfare. To illustrate this case, it takes Japanese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
15% of GDP to build retirement
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
and pay pension for seniors. Regarding individuals, elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
usually
deemed burdens of their family since they are vulnerable
as well
as being unable to take care of themselves.
As a result
, their offspring could not concentrate on their work and private life, which is sometime frustrate.

While these complications are
seemingly
insurmountable, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
could adopt
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
resolution to mitigate them.
Firstly
, the authorities could boost working age, which is likely to utilize the
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
As a result
, aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are able to dedicate themselves to their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
country and
they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a higher income than retirement pension.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Accordingly
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might not depend on their children.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
ought to implement new insurances, which will
be invested
in healthcare services such as hospitals
as well
as paying for seniors when they retire. Vietnamese workers,
for instance
, pay
nearly
10% of their salary per month for insurances, which
is predicted
to be sufficient for future social welfare.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Subsequently
weighing all the aforementioned, I suppose that increasing average life expectancy is bringing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
matters;
however
, they could
be handled
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments’
actions.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
I love commuting between languages just like I love commuting between cultures and cities.
Elif Safak

IELTS essay In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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