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It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be. Give reasons why this change has happened and suggest how families could be brought closer together? v.6

It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be. Give reasons why this change has happened and suggest how families could be brought closer together? v. 6
Families, which form the base for socialisation, are not as bonded as they had been in earlier days. It is undeniable that the bonding between the members of the family is weakening gradually during the course of time. The primary reason is time spent together with the family has shrunk. In the rat race to achieve materialistic prosperity, everyone in the family started working in different places, so it is quite evident that they hardly have quality time with each other. For instance, if both parents in a family are the breadwinners then it is obvious that their words would be left aloof most of the time. Thus the space left for love and affection to blossom in such a nuclear family has become less frequent. Another connected reason is the addiction to electronic gadgets. This contemporary world drives people to become technophilic. Despite having leisure time, these days it appears that it is not well spent with the loved ones because of laptops and smartphones. This is because these gadgets have access to the internet which in turn opens ways for social networking sites like Facebook and YouTube. Thus there is a larger probability that the citizens might get hooked and engrossed. Since these consume more time, the time spent with family has lessened. With regard to the suggestions to bind the families together, it is recommended that if everyone decides to be with their family every weekend then definitely it would compensate the time they worked round the clock throughout the week. Therefore, in my opinion, this weekend bonds might even make individuals emotionally more attached to other members of the family and could strengthen their relationship. To conclude, most of the populaces are deprived of time for spending with their families either because of aspiration for materialism or addiction to gadgets. This has made a dramatic change that the family members are not as closer to each other like years ago, so it is suggested to spend weekends with family to make up their relationship.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Families
, which form the base for
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialisation' is British English.
socialisation
, are not as bonded as they had been in earlier days. It is undeniable that the bonding between the members of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is weakening
gradually
during the course of time.

The primary reason is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent together with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
has shrunk. In the rat race to achieve materialistic prosperity, everyone in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
working in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
places,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is quite evident that they hardly have quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with each other.
For instance
, if both parents in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
are the breadwinners then it is obvious that their words would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
aloof most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
the space
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and affection to blossom in such a nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
has become less frequent.

Another connected reason is the addiction to electronic gadgets. This contemporary world drives
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to become
Possible spelling mistake found.
technophilic
. Despite having leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, these days it appears that it is not well spent with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of laptops and smartphones. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these gadgets have access to the internet which in turn opens ways for social networking sites like Facebook and YouTube.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
there is a larger probability that the citizens might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
hooked and engrossed. Since these consume more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
has lessened.

With regard to the suggestions to bind the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
together, it
is recommended
that if everyone decides to be with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
every weekend then definitely it would compensate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they worked round the clock throughout the week.
Therefore
, in my opinion, this weekend bonds might even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
individuals
emotionally
more attached to other members of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and could strengthen their relationship.

To conclude
, most of the populaces
are deprived
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for spending with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
either
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of aspiration for materialism or addiction to gadgets. This has made a dramatic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members are not as closer to each other like years ago,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it
is suggested
to spend weekends with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
up their relationship.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be. Give reasons why this change has happened and suggest how families could be brought closer together? v. 6

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
338 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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