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It is expected that there will be a higher proportion of older people than that of young people in many countries in the future. Do you think it is a positive or negative development? v.7

It is expected that there will be a higher proportion of older people than that of young people in many countries in the future. Do you think it is a positive or negative development? v. 7
There is growing interest revolving around the fact that the proportion of people who is old will be higher than the percentage of young people in the future. While there are more inevitable problems arising from younger people, I personally believe that the benefit that it brings about being more rewarding. One evident drawback is that youngster will not have enough experience to solve every problems compare to elder citizens. Every problem are not easy for inexperienced people to solve so to solve it, easily they need the extensive experiences of older people. In addition that, the salary that companies have to pay to the older people will less than youngster so it help companies save a large amount of money to invest in projects in the future. Accordingly, saving a large amount of money can also help companies to solve their immediate difficulties. However, there are undeniable benefits of a higher proportion of young citizens, the most considerable of which is that companies will have an abundant labour source. It is true to say that having an abundant labour force is a big advantage for any company that wants to rise up and stand firm in the future, productivity will increase leading to an increase in the economy of both company and country. For example, there is an outbreak of disease, a large amount of masks are needed to export both domestically and internationally, with a plentiful young workforce, the productivity will be higher and produce more products. An added advantage is that youngsters are faster in catching up the trends, technology and from that the knowledge of societies in the country will be improved. In conclusion, the higher proportion of younger citizens deals more benefits than elderly. The main three benefits that the youngsters are the economy, catching trends and an abundant labour source.
There is growing interest revolving around the fact that the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
will be higher than the percentage of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the future. While there are more inevitable problems arising from younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, I
personally
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
that it brings about being more rewarding.

One evident drawback is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youngster
will not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
experience to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solve
every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "problem"?
problems
compare to elder citizens. Every problem
You should probably use "is".
are
not easy for inexperienced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solve
it,
easily
they need the extensive experiences of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. In
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
addition
that, the salary that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay to the older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will less than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youngster
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it
Did you mean "helps"?
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
save a large amount of money to invest in projects in the future.
Accordingly
, saving a large amount of money can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solve
their immediate difficulties.

However
, there are undeniable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
of a higher proportion of young citizens, the most considerable of which is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
will have an abundant
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
source. It is true to say that having an abundant
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
force is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
advantage for any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
that wants to rise up and stand firm in the future, productivity will increase leading to an increase in the economy of both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
and country.
For example
, there is an outbreak of disease, a large amount of masks
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "is"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'are' is not always incorrect.)
are
needed to export both
domestically
and
internationally
, with a plentiful young workforce, the productivity will be higher and produce more products. An
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
advantage is that youngsters are faster in catching up the trends, technology and from that the knowledge of societies in the country will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
.

In conclusion
, the higher proportion of younger citizens deals more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
than elderly. The main three
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
that the youngsters are the economy, catching trends and an abundant
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
source.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay It is expected that there will be a higher proportion of older people than that of young people in many countries in the future. Do you think it is a positive or negative development? v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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