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It is expected that there will be a higher proportion of older people than that of young people in many countries in the future. Do you think it is a positive or negative development? v.4

It is expected that there will be a higher proportion of older people than that of young people in many countries in the future. Do you think it is a positive or negative development? v. 4
Projections show that the percentage of senior citizens will be larger than that of young people in various parts of the world. Although this trend brings some positives, I believe that it is generally disadvantageous for families and countries. On the one hand, one advantage of ageing population might be a more experienced and skilled labor force. This benefits companies and organizations as people who have been working for a long time tend to make wiser decisions, which is less likely to cause losses. An evidence of this is that a large number of people in senior positions are the elder people who have had more than 10 years of tenure. These people can also train novice personnel, who are fresh graduates with minimal experience, until they can fully hold a position. On the other hand, the expected growth in life expectancy may lead to a lack of people in the working age, which in many countries is currently set at 60 to 65 years old. As a result, companies will have to seek employees overseas, and more people have to depend on their families for the means when they retire. This places financial burdens on families when the younger generations have to pay for the elder ones’ healthcare and daily necessities. Also, this trend may increase insurance premiums, which put taxpayers under strain, since the likelihood of contracting diseases increases as people age. In conclusion, although ageing population provides a more experienced and adept labor force, it means that less people will be capable of working and thus puts younger generations under financial pressure.
Projections
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that the percentage of senior citizens will be larger than that of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in various parts of the world. Although this trend brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
positives, I believe that it is
generally
disadvantageous for families and countries.

On the one hand, one advantage of
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
population might be a more experienced and skilled labor force. This benefits
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and organizations as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have been working for a long time tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
wiser decisions, which is less likely to cause losses. An evidence of this is that
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in senior positions are the elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have had more than 10 years of tenure. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
also
train novice personnel, who are fresh graduates with minimal experience, until they can
fully
hold a position.

On the other hand
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
growth in life expectancy may lead to a lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the working age, which in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries is
currently
set at 60 to 65 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
As a result
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
seek employees overseas, and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
depend on their families for the means when they retire. This places financial burdens on families when the younger generations
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay for the elder ones’ healthcare and daily necessities.
Also
, this trend may increase insurance premiums, which put taxpayers under strain, since the likelihood of contracting diseases increases as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
age.

In conclusion
, although
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
population provides a more experienced and adept labor force, it means that
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun people is countable.
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be capable of working and
thus
puts younger generations under financial pressure.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay It is expected that there will be a higher proportion of older people than that of young people in many countries in the future. Do you think it is a positive or negative development? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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