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It is expected that there will be a higher proportion of older people than that of young people in many countries in the future? Do you think it is a positive or negative development? And what will be effects on society? v.2

It is expected that there will be a higher proportion of older people than that of young people in many countries in the future? Do you think it is a positive or negative development? And what will be effects on society? v. 2
A significant increase in life expectancy in many developing countries is a topic of concern. This essay will highlight some of the key issues of this issue and suggest possible approaches to reduce the adverse effects of an aging population. Firstly, one of the major challenges of the growing elderly population is that it places a heavy burden on the health responsibility system. A large budget for health care is set by the government to serve the needs of the aging population. Older people are more susceptible to old age conditions, such as heart attacks or osteoarthritis diseases, which require special medical treatment to be effectively treated. Another problem facing a rising life expectancy is an increase in the proportion of retired people, and a reduction in the proportion of people of working age who are subject to income tax. Higher pension payments and lower tax revenues of the government's economy can seriously impact spending. On the other hand, the government can take a series of measures to cope with the problems of increasing life expectancy. The first it is important to educate people about the importance of managing money and saving for retirement. This way, when people reach retirement age, they will have a certain amount of money to take care of themselves without having to depend on children or the government. Finally, solution is to increase the importance of the private sector in providing health care and pensions. This will help reduce the burden of government spending. Another measure is to encourage the immigration of young people who are working, which can help increase tax revenues for the government. In conclusion, the augmentation of average life expectancy in developed countries is creating some problems. The governments should have immediate and appropriate measures to increase the younger population in order to keep balance on the society.
A significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
is a topic of concern. This essay will highlight
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
key issues of this issue and suggest possible approaches to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the adverse effects of an aging population.

Firstly
, one of the major challenges of the growing elderly population is that it places a heavy burden on the health responsibility system. A large budget for health care
is set
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to serve the needs of the aging population. Older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more susceptible to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age conditions, such as heart attacks or osteoarthritis diseases, which require special medical treatment to be
effectively
treated. Another problem facing a rising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy is an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in the proportion of retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and a reduction in the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of working age who are subject to income tax. Higher pension payments and lower tax revenues of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
's economy can
seriously
impact spending.

On the other hand
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can take a series of measures to cope with the problems of increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy. The
first
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about the importance of managing money and saving for retirement. This way, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
reach retirement age, they will have a certain amount of money to take care of themselves without having to depend on children or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
.
Finally
, solution is to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
the importance of the private sector in providing health care and pensions. This will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the burden of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
spending. Another measure is to encourage the immigration of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are working, which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
tax revenues for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

In conclusion
, the augmentation of average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
is creating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should have immediate and appropriate measures to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
the younger population in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
balance on the society.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay It is expected that there will be a higher proportion of older people than that of young people in many countries in the future? Do you think it is a positive or negative development? And what will be effects on society? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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