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In many countries, average life expectancy has been increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and for society as a whole? Suggest some solutions. v.1

In many countries, average life expectancy has been increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and for society as a whole? Suggest some solutions. v. 1
Nowadays, “life expectancy has been increasing” is the most popular mentioned over the world. There are a number of problems behind this point of view and several solutions for this. There are two primary problems are caused by the increasing life expectancy. Firsly, the aged will not be cared much by their children. For example in nuclear family, when old people’s children have a baby, they will spend most of their time on taking care of the baby because they are too young; thus the elder will be bored, they have to take care of themselves. Secondly, this problem will make the economy of the country down. The government has to pay the grant when they are retired although the budget of the country is limited. The aged are easy to be unhealthy, that’s why many hospitals have to be built to prepare for the emergencies when needed. However, the are some solutions for this case. First solution is that we should build some nursing home that the old people can meet each other. They can talk about their life, about their family and their hobby, not only that they also be taken care of by nurses here. Hence, they will not be bored like when they are at home. The second solution is that the government should make some careers for old people that they are able to dedicate for their hometown, not only receiving the grant from the country. In conclusion, there are many problems caused by the increasing life expectancy and steps need to be taken to tackle this problem.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
“life
expectancy has been increasing” is the most popular mentioned over the world. There are a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
behind this point of view and several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
for this.

There are two primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
are caused
by the increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Firsly
, the aged will not
be cared
much by their children.
For example
in nuclear family, when
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s children have a baby, they will spend most of their time on taking care of the baby
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are too young;
thus
the elder will
be bored
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take care of themselves.
Secondly
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the economy of the country down. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
pay the grant when they
are retired
although the budget of the country
is limited
. The aged are easy to be unhealthy, that’s why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hospitals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be built
to prepare for the emergencies when needed.

However
,
Did you mean "they are" or "there are"?
the are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
for this case.
First
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
is that we should build
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nursing home that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
each other. They can talk about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, about their family and their hobby, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
that they
also
be taken
care of by nurses here.
Hence
, they will not
be bored
like when they are at home. The second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
is that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
careers for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that they are able to dedicate for their hometown, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
receiving the grant from the country.

In conclusion
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
caused by the increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy and steps need to
be taken
to tackle this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries, average life expectancy has been increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and for society as a whole? Suggest some solutions. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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