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Childhood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia. As many as tow thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. To what extent do you agree with this statement? v.4

Childhood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia. As many as tow thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. v. 4
Obesity in young children is becoming an ongoing concern, especially in Australia where 33 percent of them are considered to be drastically overweight. As the young students spend majority of their day at school, their food intake and exercise regime should be dependent on schools to lead a healthier lifestyle. In this essay, I will discuss why I completely agree with this statement focusing on the reasons such as the amount of time primary and secondary school students spend at school, accessibility and peer support within their friendship. Firstly, students in Australia, specifically in Melbourne, students spend approximately 6 hours at school daily and majority of their day involves around school activities. Many parents believe that children should be given an opportunity to learn how to monitor their food intake and exercise output at schools. For example, school dinner schemes and sports programmes are being implemented in schools by the government to introduce good eating habits as well as tips on how to stay active. It would be significantly more convenient and easily accessible for younger generations to improve their lifestyle. Secondly, peer support is vital when it comes to children. A recent research shows that Australian students learn best when they are working collaboratively with their friends and classmates. Schools should be in charge of providing a variety of competitive sports classes on a daily basis where the students can have a chance to participate and educate themselves. If schools provide a safe environment for young impressionable generations to get involved in health and sports classes, then it would have a major impact on reducing the obesity rate in Australia. Lastly, in order to tackle an issue such as childhood obesity, it needs be a nation-wide approach as this would be beneficial for everyone. I strongly believe that schools should be responsible then parents could be a factor in motivating the children even further.
Obesity in young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is becoming an ongoing concern,
especially
in Australia where 33 percent of them
are considered
to be
drastically
overweight. As the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
spend
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
their day at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, their food intake and exercise regime should be dependent on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to lead a healthier lifestyle. In this essay, I will discuss why I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement focusing on the reasons such as the amount of time primary and secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
spend at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, accessibility and peer support within their friendship.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in Australia,
specifically
in Melbourne,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
spend approximately 6 hours at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
daily and
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
their day involves around
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
activities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
parents believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
an opportunity to learn how to monitor their food intake and exercise output at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
dinner schemes and sports
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
are
being implemented
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to introduce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
eating habits
as well
as tips on how to stay active. It would be
significantly
more convenient and
easily
accessible for younger generations to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their lifestyle.

Secondly
, peer support is vital when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. A recent research
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that Australian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
learn best when they are working
collaboratively
with their friends and classmates.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Schools
should be in charge of providing a variety of competitive sports classes on a daily basis where the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can have a chance to participate and educate themselves. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
provide a safe environment for young impressionable generations to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in health and sports classes, then it would have a major impact on reducing the obesity rate in Australia.

Lastly
, in order to tackle an issue such as childhood obesity, it needs be a nation-wide approach as this would be beneficial for everyone. I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should be responsible then parents could be a factor in motivating the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
even
further
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Childhood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia. As many as tow thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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