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It is difficult for people living in the city to get enough physical exercise. Why is this the case? What can be done to solve the problem? v.2

It is difficult for people living in the city to get enough physical exercise. Why is this the case? What can be done to solve the problem? v. 2
It has been witnessed that urban residents are currently facing an austerity of time for physical activities. Two major reasons stand out as responsible for this obstacle, which can be mitigated by several feasible solutions. To begin with, a lack of exercise among city dwellers can be attributed to two main contributing factors. Regarding to labors, it is the pressure of making a living that deters people from physical activities. In fact, over the past few decades, white collars have had to deal with an increasingly heavy workload, which inevitably makes them stuck behind their desks and prioritize paper works over leisure activities, including taking up sports or work out at the gym. Regarding to children and pensioners, the reason stemming from lacking sporting infrastructures stays at the forefront. Specifically, playgrounds, parks and stadiums have been demolished to make way for urbanization in cities, and this is believed to restrain citizens from physical pastime because of their declining free access. However, there are several measures that can be proposed to tackle the aforementioned challenge. Firstly, such policies as flexible working hours and job-share should be adopted. In particular, not only do they prevent employees from being snowed by paper works but also help them maintain a work-life balance, in which they will be provided with sufficient time for physical diversions. Secondly, the authority should also prioritize its expenditure on installing sporting equipments and offering free fitness lessons at public places. Indeed, if these services become ubiquitous in urban area, city residents are expected to find it easier to approach exercise options, which can result in a higher frequency of workouts. In brief, only by efforts of both companies and the government will urban citizens take exercise on a more regular basis.
It has
been witnessed
that urban residents are
currently
facing an austerity of time for
physical
activities. Two major reasons stand out as responsible for this obstacle, which can
be mitigated
by several feasible solutions.

To
begin
with, a lack of exercise among city dwellers can
be attributed
to two main contributing factors.
Regarding to
labors, it is the pressure of making a living that deters
people
from
physical
activities. In fact, over the past few decades, white collars have had to deal with an
increasingly
heavy workload, which
inevitably
makes
them stuck behind their desks and prioritize paper works over leisure activities, including taking up sports or work out at the gym.
Regarding to
children and pensioners, the reason stemming from lacking sporting infrastructures stays at the forefront.
Specifically
, playgrounds, parks and stadiums have
been demolished
to
make
way for urbanization in cities, and this
is believed
to restrain citizens from
physical
pastime
because
of their declining free access.

However
, there are several measures that can
be proposed
to tackle the aforementioned challenge.
Firstly
, such policies as flexible working hours and job-share should
be adopted
.
In particular
, not
only
do they
prevent
employees from
being snowed
by paper works
but
also
help
them maintain a work-life balance, in which they will
be provided
with sufficient time for
physical
diversions.
Secondly
, the authority should
also
prioritize its expenditure on installing sporting equipments and offering free fitness lessons at public places.
Indeed
, if these services become ubiquitous in urban area, city residents are
expected
to find it easier to approach exercise options, which can result in a higher frequency of workouts.

In brief
,
only
by efforts of both
companies
and the
government
will urban citizens take exercise on a more regular basis.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay It is difficult for people living in the city to get enough physical exercise. Why is this the case? What can be done to solve the problem? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resources: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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