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It is common aspiration among many young people to run their own business rather than work for an employer. Do you think the disadvantages of working for yourself outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

It is common aspiration among many young people to run their own business rather than work for an employer. Do you think the disadvantages of working for yourself outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
There is a typical idea that the youth prefer having their own business than being employed. In my opinion, startup a business at the early ages brings more benefits than drawbacks. It is easy to realize that working for an employer has some advantages. Firstly, after graduated from university or high school, people often apply to the company which is relevant to their majors and enjoy the permanent life. Thus, having a stable job can help the youth to solve many common problems to which most of graduated people must face, such as accommodation, money or social position. Secondly, being a hard - working employee often have marvelous opportunities to get high promotion. As the result, the salary and individual image are improved. However, running an own business also brings more benefits for the youth. Firstly, it helps young people to gain more life experiment. It is no doubt that adolescence has more time to discover life and learn from their own mistakes. Secondly, startup at the early ages gives them an opportunity to mature faster. Thus, when having an own business, the juvenility must face to lots of problems requiring high experiment. As the result, whether the issues are solved or not, they still archive new things: an experiment or a lesion. Finally, it is the chances to develop themselves. For example, opening a company forces the youth to figure out the method to manage time, money and people. Furthermore, it is a great chance to meet new people, persuade to do business and upgrade social relationship. In conclusion, it is delightful to have a stable job. However, starting own business helps the youth understand the value of life and figure out their potential.
There is a typical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
prefer having their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Use "(business)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
business
than
being employed
. In my opinion, startup a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
at the early ages brings more benefits than drawbacks.

It is easy to realize that working for an employer has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages.
Firstly
, after graduated from university or high school,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
apply to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
which is relevant to their majors and enjoy the permanent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Thus
, having a stable job can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
to solve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
common problems to which most of graduated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
face, such as accommodation, money or social position.
Secondly
, being a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
working employee
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
have marvelous opportunities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
high promotion. As the result, the salary and individual image are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
.

However
, running an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
also
brings more benefits for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
.
Firstly
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to gain more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
experiment. It is no doubt that adolescence has more time to discover
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and learn from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
mistakes.
Secondly
, startup at the early ages gives them an opportunity to mature faster.
Thus
, when having an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
juvenility
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
face to lots of problems requiring high experiment. As the result, whether the issues
are solved
or not, they
still
archive new things: an experiment or a lesion.
Finally
, it is the chances to develop themselves.
For example
, opening a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
forces the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
to figure out the method to manage time, money and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Furthermore
, it is a great chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, persuade
Did you mean "doing"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'persuade' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
and upgrade social relationship.

In conclusion
, it is delightful to have a stable job.
However
, starting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
understand the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and figure out their potential.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay It is common aspiration among many young people to run their own business rather than work for an employer. Do you think the disadvantages of working for yourself outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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