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in some countries some people believe that young people should travel or work v.1

in some countries some people believe that young people should travel or work v. 1
It is believed in some countries that youngsters should be motivated either to work or to travel for a whole year after finishing school and before the start of higher education studies. Young people working or traveling can learn the value of money and improve their self-esteem but there are also disadvantages that should be considered. On the one hand, there is a number of advantages to youngsters decided to be engaged to work or travel. Firstly, one benefit of working is that they can learn the value of money. It is crucial as they can realize how hard it is to earn money and the importance of saving up for the future. Secondly, traveling and working for young people is advantageous because it can improve their self-esteem. If they travel or do work, they will get experience and skills which are important for their future such as patience. As a result, they will able to deal with different circumstances that they may face. On the other hand, there are some disadvantages to traveling and working of young people. One problem is that traveling might lead to unneeded money expenses. In other words, the money budget of traveling could be used instead to pay college fees later on. Another possible issue is that there are activities might be more important than traveling and working they can do to improve their skills such as taking workshops in leadership or learning foreign languages. For example, those who have the ability to lead could manage to be the head of student union in college which might benefit them in finding job opportunities in the future. In conclusion, while youngsters can learn from the value of money and enhance their self-esteem from traveling or engaging in work, it can also lead to some disadvantageous.
It
is believed
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries that youngsters should
be motivated
either to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or to travel for a whole year after finishing school and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
of higher education studies. Young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
or traveling can learn the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their self-esteem
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are
also
disadvantages that should
be considered
.

On the one hand, there is a number of advantages to youngsters decided to
be engaged
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or travel.
Firstly
, one benefit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
is that they can learn the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. It is crucial as they can realize how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
it is to earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and the importance of saving up for the future.
Secondly
, traveling and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
advantageous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their self-esteem. If they travel or do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
experience and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for their future such as patience.
As a result
, they
Did you mean "will be able"?
will able
to deal with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
circumstances that they may face.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages to traveling and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. One problem is that traveling might lead to unneeded
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
expenses.
In other words
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
budget of traveling could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
instead
to pay college fees later on. Another possible issue is that there are activities might be more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than traveling and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
they can do to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as taking workshops in leadership or learning foreign languages.
For example
, those who have the ability to lead could manage to be the head of student union in college which might benefit them in finding job opportunities in the future.

In conclusion
, while youngsters can learn from the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and enhance their self-esteem from traveling or engaging in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, it can
also
lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantageous.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay in some countries some people believe that young people should travel or work v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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