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It is a common aspiration among many young people to run their own business, rather than work for an employer. Do you think the advantages of working for yourself outweigh the drawbacks? v.2

It is a common aspiration among many young people to run their own business, rather than work for an employer. Do you think the advantages of working for yourself outweigh the drawbacks? v. 2
The desire to avoid to work for someone else usually drives many youngsters to setup their own company. However, some economists state that this endeavor often leads to many problems for them. In this essay, I will consider both pros and cons of this trend and agree that the disadvantages outdistance the advantages. Let us start with positive sides of doing a business for young people. The first benefit is that it frequently allows them to plan their workload independently. Employees usually receive a work schedule from their supervisor, which requires them to follow it strictly, but those, who running their own company, always organize their work autonomously. Another merit is that it generally gives them more freedom. Young businessmen can spend more time with their relatives and friends, since they can either delegate their duties on their subordinates or do their work through emails. Therefore, after analyzing, it is clear that young entrepreneurs have plenty of positives from managing a business. Nevertheless, despite these beneficial effects, young people also face numerous complications from working for themselves. Firstly, it commonly requires complete dedication. The majority of businessmen tend to devote a great deal of both years and effort, before their company starts to operate effectively and brings substantial profits. Secondly, it is very risky. More than half of young entrepreneurs fail to go bankrupt the first year, which means that they lose enormous sums of money as well as quit the idea of being independent from job givers. As a result, after analyzing, it is obvious that setup a business is quite challenging for young people. In conclusion, although building a company has a multitude of advantages for the youth, I think that the downsides prevail over the benefits, since it is too risky for them to deal with at such young ages.
The desire to avoid to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for someone else
usually
drives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters
The verb 'set up' is spelled as two words. The noun 'setup' is spelled as one.
to setup
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
economists state that this endeavor
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
leads to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems for them. In this essay, I will consider both pros and cons of this trend and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the disadvantages outdistance the advantages.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
us
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
sides of doing a business for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. The
first
benefit is that it
frequently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them to plan their workload
independently
. Employees
usually
receive a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
schedule from their supervisor, which requires them to follow it
strictly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
those, who running their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
, always organize their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
autonomously
. Another merit is that it
generally
gives them more freedom.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Young
businessmen can spend more time with their relatives and friends, since they can either delegate their duties on their subordinates or do their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
through emails.
Therefore
, after analyzing, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
entrepreneurs have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of positives from managing a business.

Nevertheless
, despite these beneficial effects,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
also
face numerous complications from working for themselves.
Firstly
, it
commonly
requires complete dedication. The majority of businessmen tend to devote a great deal of both years and effort,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
to operate
effectively
and brings substantial profits.
Secondly
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
risky. More than half of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
entrepreneurs fail to go bankrupt the
first
year, which means that they lose enormous sums of money
as well
as quit the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of being
The usual collocation for "independent" is "of" not "from". Did you mean "independent of"?
independent from
job givers.
As a result
, after analyzing, it is obvious that
The verb 'set up' is spelled as two words. The noun 'setup' is spelled as one.
setup
a business is quite challenging for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, although building a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
has a multitude of advantages for the youth, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the downsides prevail over the benefits, since it is too risky for them to deal with at such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
ages.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay It is a common aspiration among many young people to run their own business, rather than work for an employer. Do you think the advantages of working for yourself outweigh the drawbacks? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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