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It is better for young people to get the advises from old people than young ones Do you agree or disagree v.1

It is better for young people to get the advises from old people than young ones v. 1
In these days, most of the people's health issues come from consuming too much unhealthy junk food; as a result, the government is considering to raise the tax on it to discourage people from eating such food. According to my perspective, this government role cannot serve the whole problem and it will affect to only groups of people. Imposing a higher tax on fast food may reduce the number of patients from obesity, diabetes, and heart disease resulting from being overweight. However, as we know that pre-prepared food is cheap and convenient; therefore, higher price of fast food obviously creates drawback to the low-incomed labor. For example, it is not only forcing them to buy more expensive food, but also sometimes imposing them to prepare the food themselves instead, which is the wasting of time and less comfort. Moreover, this government measure will definitely not work at all for those who is wealthy or do not have any financial issues that they are going to continue purchasing this expensive unhealthy food. On the other hand, the government role on only increasing tax cannot develop public's health and make them become stronger. Eating less junk food can only prevent people from overweighting due to its high contained saturated fat sugar and salt. Thus, to reduce the nation's health condition, the government should launch other measures to promote healthier lifestyle as well. For instance, providing the unpaid exercise equipment in the public areas and cutting off the tax on healthy food such as fresh fruits and vegetables. In conclusion, despite of taxing fast food, in my opinion, it does not enough and also undergoes some groups of people. Hence, in order to reduce the number of ill people, other measuring steps should be used along with it.
In these days, most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's health issues
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from consuming too much unhealthy junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
;
as a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is considering to raise the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
on it to discourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from eating such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. According to my perspective, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
role cannot serve the whole problem and it will affect to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
groups of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Imposing a higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the number of patients from obesity, diabetes, and heart disease resulting from being overweight.
However
, as we know that
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre-prepared
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
and convenient;
therefore
, higher price of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
obviously
creates drawback to the
Possible spelling mistake found.
low-incomed
labor.
For example
, it is not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
forcing them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
more expensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
imposing them to prepare the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
themselves
instead
, which is the wasting of time and less comfort.
Moreover
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
measure will definitely not work at all for those who is wealthy or do not have any financial issues that they are going to continue purchasing this expensive unhealthy food.

On the other hand
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
role on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
cannot develop public's health and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them become stronger. Eating less junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
Possible spelling mistake found.
overweighting
due to its high contained saturated
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
sugar and salt.
Thus
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the nation's health condition, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should launch other measures to promote healthier lifestyle
as well
.
For instance
, providing the unpaid exercise equipment in the public areas and cutting off the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
on healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
such as fresh fruits and vegetables.

In conclusion
,
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
taxing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, in my opinion, it does not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
and
also
undergoes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
groups of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Hence
, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the number of ill
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, other measuring steps should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
along with it.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
We should learn languages because language is the only thing worth knowing even poorly.
Kató Lomb

IELTS essay It is better for young people to get the advises from old people than young ones v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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