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It is better for college students to live in schools than live at home with their parents. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

It is better for college students to live in schools than live at home with their parents. v. 1
It is argued that there will have more benefits for students who have graduated from high school to live in the hall of residence in schools when they go to college or university than live at home with their parents. I am in agreement with this point of view for several following reasons. First of all, it is obvious that during the childhood and high school periods students lived at home and they are taken care of carefully by their parents because schools are not far from their home. Therefore, when students enter the college or university, this is a time that they should live more independent when they live in a strange environment to gain a lot of valuable experiences to help them in their future jobs. For example, students can do a part time job to earn money and they can afford tuition instead of asking money from their parents, which helps students can well aware of the value of money and they will use money effectively and economically. Moreover, living in schools will help students have a lot of new relationships with their friends and they can have more opportunities to develop their soft skills. For instance, if college students live at home, they will not have much friends to participate in voluntary activities, this is an obstacle to students’ communication and interaction skills. Some people claim that college students cannot control their schedules when they live far from their parents, I suppose that college or university students are mature enough to balance their work and control their timetable since they are at least 18 years old or over. In conclusion, it is more beneficial for college students to live in schools than live at home because they will have a lot of genuine experiences and they can develop their physical and spiritual conditions comprehensively and independently.
It
is argued
that there will have more benefits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who have graduated from high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in the hall of residence in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
when they go to college or university than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
at home with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. I am in agreement with this point of view for several following reasons.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is obvious that during the childhood and high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
periods
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
at
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
home and
they
are taken
care of
carefully
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are not far from their home.
Therefore
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
enter the college or university, this is a time that they should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
more independent when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in a strange environment to gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
valuable experiences to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in their future jobs.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can do a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
job to earn
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
money and
they can afford tuition
instead
of asking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can well aware of the value of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
money and
they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
effectively
and
economically
.

Moreover
, living in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
new relationships with their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
friends and
they can have more opportunities to develop their soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
For instance
, if college
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
at home, they will not have
Use "many" with countable nouns.
much
friends to participate in voluntary activities, this is an obstacle to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
communication and interaction
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that college
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
cannot control their schedules when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
far from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, I suppose that college or university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to balance their work and control their timetable since they are at least 18 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
or over.

In conclusion
, it is more beneficial for college
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
at home
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
genuine
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
experiences and
they can develop their physical and spiritual conditions
comprehensively
and
independently
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
33Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay It is better for college students to live in schools than live at home with their parents. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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