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It is better for colleage students to live in schools than live at home with their parents. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

It is better for colleage students to live in schools than live at home with their parents. v. 2
It is true that the question of whether undergraduates should live in school campus rather than their own home has remained a source of vigorous debate in many recent years. Personally, I believe that while living at schools offers numerous merits to students, staying at home with parents could also benefit them to some extent. On the one hand, there are various triggers why I agree that university students should stay in campuses. Firstly, those students could gain invaluable hands-on experiences which derive from ongoing exposure to real life. Thanks to out-of-home life, students therefore could be highly independent, which means that they have to make decisions on their own, especially these prompt decisions because they have almost no time to ask for advice from parents such as going to hospital when they suffer from ailments. Secondly, as living in group with their peers in dormitory, those students could consequently expand their social circle, which seldom attain if they stay at home. It means that they would have more opportunities to meet up with new friends, strike up new relationship as well as become external person. These above motivations thereafter axplain for the benefits of independent life in university of undergraduates. On the other hand, staying at home with parents could also stand them in good stead for these following reasons. One possible reason is that they would have a great deal of time to focus on academic tasks, assignments or thesis papers wholeheartedly because the less involvement in social and recreational activities, which they often engage in when they live independently. As a result, they could attain flying colours at the end of semester for their continuous endeavor during term time. Moreover, undergraduates could become law abiding citizens and avoid committing crime due to the fact that they would be less tempted by illegal acts or antisocial behaviours which easily charm them when they live without parental interventions. In conclusion, from what has been mentioned above, I contend that regardless of where colleage students live, whether their own home or in schools, they are both received enormous advantages.
It is true that
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
the question of whether
undergraduates should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in school campus
rather
than their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
home has remained a source of vigorous debate in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
recent years.
Personally
, I believe that while living at schools offers numerous merits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, staying at home with parents could
also
benefit them to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent.

On the one hand, there are various triggers why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should stay in campuses.
Firstly
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
could gain invaluable hands-on experiences which derive from ongoing exposure to real life. Thanks to out-of-home life,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
therefore
could be
highly
independent, which means that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
decisions on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
,
especially
these prompt decisions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have almost no time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ask for
advice from parents such as going to hospital when they suffer from ailments.
Secondly
, as living in group with their peers in dormitory, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
could
consequently
expand their social circle, which seldom attain if they stay at home. It means that they would have more opportunities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
up with new friends, strike up new relationship
as well
as become external person. These above motivations thereafter
Possible spelling mistake found.
axplain
for the benefits of independent life in university of undergraduates.

On the other hand
, staying at home with parents could
also
stand them in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
stead for these following reasons. One possible reason is that they would have a great deal of time to focus on academic tasks, assignments or thesis papers
wholeheartedly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the less involvement in social and recreational activities, which they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
engage in when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
independently
.
As a result
, they could attain flying
Possible spelling mistake. 'colours' is British English.
colours
at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of semester for their continuous endeavor during term time.
Moreover
, undergraduates could become
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
law abiding
citizens and avoid committing crime due to the fact that they would be less tempted by illegal acts or antisocial
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
which
easily
charm them when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
without parental interventions.

In conclusion
, from what has
been mentioned
above, I contend that regardless of where
Possible spelling mistake found.
colleage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
, whether their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
home or in schools, they are both received enormous advantages.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay It is better for colleage students to live in schools than live at home with their parents. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
349 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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