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It is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

It is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. v. 1
It is a good idea for children to grow up in the rural areas than in a huge urban place. It is agreed that the children that are raised in the countryside follow culture, discipline etc. This essay will also discuss how pastoral kids can save their life from the technological threats that are common in large cities. Culture is an important thing that is to be noticed in the native persons as they do not sacrifice on them unlike the modern people. They stick to their ancestor’s rules. Where ever they are, they do not hesitate to do according to their practice. As an illustration, if a teenager is going for an interview to a modernized software company, they do not change their appearance according to them. Even though the youth of the metropolitan get occasions to dress up in traditional costumes they are not ready to utilize them properly. Only in once a blue moon, they are seen those types of outfits. The bonding of the kids and parents has reduced in well-developed places when compared to the regions that are not grown. This is a reason why safety is decreasing in the sub-urban. Out of their knowledge and without knowing what should be done at what age they indulge themselves in lot of life-threatening activities. They tend to be victims for someone else mistake whereas, rural kids listen carefully to the words of their parents and act according to it. For example, a girl who was studying in my college had affairs with a boy older than her. One day, she eloped with that boy because she was caught in her home and her parents did not entertain all this and they also did not give her any sorts of communication appliances to stay in touch with him. Their parents even warned that boy to stop all sort of nuisance. Even after all sorts of protections made by them one day after college, she did not return home, then after few days police found her body in a nearby lake. In conclusion, this essay shows a strong agreement on bringing up children in rural areas than in urban places. The advantages of the countryside outshined the drawbacks of modern world.
It is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
for children to grow up in the rural areas than in a huge urban place. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
that the children that
are raised
in the countryside follow culture, discipline etc. This essay will
also
discuss how pastoral kids can save their
Did you mean "lives"?
life
from the technological threats that are common in large cities.

Culture is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing
that is
to
be noticed
in the native persons as they do not sacrifice on them unlike the modern
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. They stick to their ancestor’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
. Where ever they are, they do not hesitate to do according to their practice. As an illustration, if a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
is going for an interview to a modernized software
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their appearance according to them.
“Even though” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Even though
the youth of the metropolitan
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
occasions to dress up in traditional costumes they are not ready to utilize them
properly
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
in once a blue moon, they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
those types of outfits.

The bonding of the kids and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
in well-developed places when compared to the regions that are not grown. This is a reason why safety is decreasing in the sub-urban. Out of their knowledge and without knowing what should
be done
at what age they indulge themselves in
It seems that an article is missing.
lot of
life-threatening activities. They tend to be victims for someone else
The pronoun 'someone' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "mistakes", "mistook".
mistake
whereas, rural kids listen
carefully
to the words of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and act according to it.
For example
, a girl who was studying in my college had affairs with a boy older than her. One day, she eloped with that boy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she
was caught
in her home and her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
did not entertain all
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
this and
they
also
did not give her any sorts of communication appliances to stay in touch with him. Their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
even warned that boy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
all sort of nuisance. Even
after all
sorts of protections made by them one day after college, she did not return home, then after few days police found her body in a nearby lake.

In conclusion
, this essay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
a strong agreement on bringing up children in rural areas than in urban places. The advantages of the countryside
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "outshone", the past tense form of the verb 'outshine'?
outshined
the drawbacks of modern world.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay It is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
373 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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