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Some people believe it is better for children to grow up in the city while others say it is better to grow up in the countryside. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Some people believe it is better for children to grow up in the city while others say it is better to grow up in the countryside. v. 1
A better place and its surrounding environment and necessary facilities play a crucial for the development of a child. It is thought by some people that the children should be brought up in cities, however, *others* believe that rural environment is much suitable for the mental and physical growth of a child. In my opinion, I believe that the urban areas will provide modern facilities than the rural area, which is essential for the improvement of their learning abilities. The metropolitan provides different modern facilities in our education system that help the children to learn any subjects or topics more conveniently. For instance, in cities, different electronic devices, like laptop, projector, computer etc are used to teach the children in schools. As a result they can learn anything easily than the children of rural areas. Although some modern facilities in schools are available in countrysides, these facilities are insufficient according to the number of the children. So, in compared to village areas, cities are the best option for the children. On the other hand, while there is a lack of modern facilities available in villages, the environment of the village is suitable for the children living. For example, in my country, a statistic from the department of public health showed that the children of the cities are less healthier than the children who lives in countrysides. The main reason behind it that the pollution rate of cities are higher than the rural areas. But I think that this pollution rate in cities can be minimized by taking different social awareness programs. To sum up, although rural areas providing better environment for living, due to lack of modern facilities I believe that the cities will be the best option for the children.
A better place and its surrounding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
and necessary facilities play a crucial for the development of a child. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be brought
up in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
,
however
, *others* believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
is much suitable for the mental and physical growth of a child. In my opinion, I believe that the urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
will provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
facilities than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
, which is essential for the improvement of their learning abilities.

The metropolitan provides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
facilities in our education system that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to learn any subjects or topics more
conveniently
.
For instance
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
electronic devices, like laptop, projector, computer etc are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to teach the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in schools.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
a result they can learn anything
Use "(easily)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
easily
than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
facilities in schools are available in countrysides, these facilities are insufficient according to the number of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, in compared to village
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
are the best option for the children.

On the other hand
, while there is a lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
facilities available in villages, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
of the village is suitable for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
living.
For example
, in my country, a statistic from the department of public health
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
are
Non-standard use of the comparative or superlative. Did you mean "less healthy"?
less healthier
than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
Did you mean "live"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'children' should be used.
lives
in countrysides. The main reason behind it that the pollution rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
are higher than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this pollution rate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
can
be minimized
by taking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
social awareness programs.

To sum up, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
providing better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
for living, due to lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
facilities I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
will be the best option for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
36Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe it is better for children to grow up in the city while others say it is better to grow up in the countryside. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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