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It is believed that education is of vital importance to the development of individuals and the well-being of societies. What should education consist of? v.1

It is believed that education is of vital importance to the development of individuals and the well-being of societies. What should education consist of? v. 1
During the children's growth, it is crucial to teach them the ability to tell right and wrong in the early stage. Some parents believe that punishment is an essential way to conduct children's behaviour. However, I deem that punishment should not be taken part in parenting. First, punishment might cause bad effect toward children's mental health. If parents and teachers punish children constantly, they may feel resentful and refuse to listen to their family or teachers. What wore is that it might lead to destroy children's self-esteem, and influence their whole life after they grow up. For instance, there are plenty of mental diseases and depression were caused by the punishment that they received during their childhood. Second, parents and teachers should be a children's role model instead of punishing their misbehaviour. It is more effective and pivotal for parents or teachers to guide children when they behave what they want children to be. Furthermore, the great example of their parents and teachers will be more impressed for children than punishment. Take myself as an example, my mother taught me that lying to others is an unmoral behaviour. And because my mom never lie to anyone, I always take her as my role model to remind myself not to lie. To sum up, discipline would be completely unnecessary, if parents and teachers can conduct children as being their role model. In addition, there are many others methods could teach children without any punishment which could lead to a better future for children.
During the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
growth, it is crucial to teach them the ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
right and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
in the early stage.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
is an essential way to conduct
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
However
, I deem that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
should not
be taken
part in parenting.

First
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
might cause
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effect toward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
mental health. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
punish
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
constantly
, they may feel resentful and refuse to listen to their family or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
. What wore is that it might lead to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
self-esteem, and influence their whole life after they grow up.
For instance
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of mental diseases and depression
were caused
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
that they received during their childhood.

Second,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
should be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
role model
instead
of punishing their
Possible spelling mistake. 'misbehaviour' is British English.
misbehaviour
. It is more effective and pivotal for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
to guide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
when they behave what they want
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be.
Furthermore
, the great example of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
will be more impressed for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
. Take myself as an example, my mother taught me that lying to others is an unmoral
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. And
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
my mom never lie to anyone, I always take her as my role model to remind myself not to lie.

To sum up, discipline would be completely unnecessary, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
can conduct
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as being their role model.
In addition
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
others methods could teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
without any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
which could lead to a better future for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay It is believed that education is of vital importance to the development of individuals and the well-being of societies. What should education consist of? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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