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the bar chart below shows the number of people visiting two different cites by seasonsSummarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant. v.1

the bar chart below shows the number of people visiting two different cites by seasons
In recent years, there are two different opinions, one of which is that constructing numerous complex of improving body health would be effective for all ages of people, the other of which is that there is a more crucial factor which can directly able to heal people's diseases. But, I personally am in favour of the latter. On the one hand, there are some reasons for which some thinkers argue that entertainment building is solely a way to raise peoples' health and make them physically strong. In the first place, if there is a lot of building of sport centres, many citizens can enjoy playing diverse activities in safe indoor place. Furthermore, people can acquire healthy habits, leading to increase people's healthy level. In addition, people are highly likely to focus on their work or study well in that exercising makes individuals' brain clear, and also unwinds their concerns. It naturally results in dwindling people' mental problems as well as physical issues. Nevertheless, I am firmly of the opinion that it is imperative that hospitals equipped advance technical medical devices should be erected as many as possible, if the government hopes to raise people's health efficiently. Because, almost every developed countries have many cutting-edge apparatuses and high quality of knowledge about how to recover ailment faster that people have currently been ailed. So, if the authority builds more advanced hospitals or replaces old facilities with cleaner, wider and carefully focusing on hygiene. It would be meaningful that not only people can feel like protecting from their nation, but also they can be managed their body check-up and condition by the hospitals. In conclusion, what is the best way to construct for their citizens to raise their health is still debatable. But, I am firmly convinced that spending amounts of money renewing their facilities or constructing new hospitals would be better than anything.
In recent years, there are two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinions, one of which is that constructing numerous complex of improving body
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
would be effective for all ages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the other of which is that there is a more crucial factor which can
directly
able to heal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people's
diseases.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, I
personally
am in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of the latter.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons for which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
thinkers argue that entertainment building is
solely
a way to raise peoples'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
physically
strong. In the
first
place, if there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
building of sport
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
citizens can enjoy playing diverse activities in safe indoor place.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can acquire healthy habits, leading to increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people's
healthy level.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
highly
likely to focus on their work or study well in that exercising
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
individuals' brain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
, and
also
unwinds their concerns. It
naturally
results in dwindling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people'
mental problems
as well
as physical issues.

Nevertheless
, I am
firmly
of the opinion that it is imperative that hospitals equipped advance technical medical devices should
be erected
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
as possible, if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
hopes to raise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
efficiently
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, almost every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cutting-edge apparatuses and high quality of knowledge about how to recover ailment faster that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
currently
been ailed
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if the authority builds more advanced hospitals or replaces
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
facilities with cleaner, wider and
carefully
focusing on hygiene. It would be meaningful that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can feel like protecting from their nation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they can
be managed
their body
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
-up and condition by the hospitals.

In conclusion
, what is the best way to construct for their citizens to raise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is
still
debatable.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, I am
firmly
convinced that spending amounts of money renewing their facilities or constructing new hospitals would be better than anything.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay the bar chart below shows the number of people visiting two different cites by seasons

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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