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Should countries intervene in a genocides in another country where a lot of civilians might be killed? Explain your answer v.1

Should countries intervene in a genocides in another country where a lot of civilians might be killed? Explain your answer v. 1
Obesity is one of the major problems among pupils in recent times. The number of pupils suffering with excess weight problems has significantly increased in the western countries. Eating unhealthy foods and lack of physical activity are among the major causes of this problem. Due to this it will, it will not only affect their performance in academics, but also there is a high possibility of getting heart diseases. Firstly, one of the major causes of this problem is due to improper or poor eating habits. In other words, these days, many children prefer to eat foods which are rich in fats and bad cholesterol like pizzas and fries rather than eating foods which are rich in nutrients and vitamins. Secondly, another cause is due to lack of physical activity or exercise among children in school or at home. Due to very competitive and busy lifestyle, pupils these days do not get sufficient exercise in their daily life. Specifically, children in western countries with a sedentary lifestyle and a poor diet are major victims of this issue. There are two major problems that can affect kids with overweight, one of them is heart diseases. There is an increased risk of getting cardio problems by consuming unhealthy fatty foods. Moreover, unsaturated fats in these foods block veins in the heart causing heart attack or other cardio issues. Another problem with obese pupils is that they tend to perform poorly in academics. Due to lack of exercise and high stress makes them fatigued and restless. As a result, they won't be able to concentrate on studies. To conclude, the overweight problems in pupils will deteriorate if this trend continues without taking proper measures. Avoiding unhealthy fatty foods and doing regular exercise will help to reduce risk of getting obesity related issues.
Obesity is one of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
in recent times. The number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
suffering with excess weight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
has
significantly
increased in the western countries. Eating unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and lack of physical activity are among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
causes of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Due
to this it will, it will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
affect their performance in academics,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
there is a high possibility of getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
diseases.

Firstly
, one of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
causes of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to improper or poor eating habits.
In other words
, these days,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
children prefer to eat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
which are rich in fats and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
cholesterol like pizzas and fries
rather
than eating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
which are rich in nutrients and vitamins.
Secondly
, another cause is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to lack of physical activity or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
among children in school or at home.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Due
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
competitive and busy lifestyle,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
these days do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
sufficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
in their daily life.
Specifically
, children in western countries with a sedentary lifestyle and a poor diet are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
victims of this issue.

There are two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
that can affect kids with overweight, one of them is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
diseases. There is an increased
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of getting cardio
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
by consuming unhealthy fatty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
.
Moreover
, unsaturated fats in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
block veins in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
causing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
attack or other cardio issues. Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
with obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
is that they tend to perform
poorly
in academics.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Due
to lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
and high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them fatigued and restless.
As a result
, they won't be able to concentrate on studies.

To conclude
, the overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
will deteriorate if this trend continues without taking proper measures. Avoiding unhealthy fatty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and doing regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of getting obesity related issues.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Should countries intervene in a genocides in another country where a lot of civilians might be killed? Explain your answer v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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