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It is believed by many people that ‘If people have more money, they are generally happier. ’ v.1

It is believed by many people that ‘If people have more money, they are generally happier. ’ v. 1
It is commonly believed that money brings happiness. However, it is a debatable fact that wealthier persons are happier and happiness is directly related to the money. According to me, money plays a vital in gaining happiness but a person feels joyful because of several reasons and they may or may be linked with money. To begin with, money is important to satisfy the basic needs for survival. Nowadays, we require money everywhere- that could be educational institutions, hospitals, supermarkets, et cetera. A rich person can obviously afford to visit various places around the world, which makes one happier. Moreover, today, for spiritual or philosophical guidance one needs money. In few cases, one may obtain joy by helping the needy people by giving a handsome amount of donations. In this way, one might get happiness. Therefore, one may consider that, ‘Money is the existing God’ in today’s world and one becomes happier when one has money. However, real happiness is priceless and it cannot be attained with money. Some others may argue that money could be useful to purchase the required things, nevertheless, one cannot buy happiness. For example, the happiness in the eyes of a mother when she gives birth to a baby cannot be bought by money. Next, real happiness is directly linked to the soul satisfaction. One can get exuberant joy without money as if by participating in charity work and so on. Hence, it is clear that one cannot relate happiness with money. Money can buy a luxurious house but cannot guarantee joy. Happiness comes from a satisfied soul and sound body while money can ensure the materialistic joys. To summarise, one may consider that money is very crucial in achieving happiness and some sort of people may also consider that ‘money makes the mare go’. However, what I believe is that money is certainly an important factor but not a sole factor to achieve happiness. Thus, I strongly disagree that happiness is obtained by money in all the cases.
It is
commonly
believed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
However
, it is a debatable fact that wealthier persons are happier and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is
directly
related to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
This phrase can sound awkward in English. Consider using "in my opinion" or "I think".
According to me
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
plays a vital in gaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a person feels joyful
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of several
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
reasons and
they may or may
be linked
with money.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to satisfy the basic needs for survival. Nowadays, we require
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
everywhere- that could be educational institutions, hospitals, supermarkets,
Possible spelling mistake found.
et cetera
. A rich person can
obviously
afford to visit various places around the world, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
one happier.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, for spiritual or philosophical guidance one needs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. In few cases, one may obtain joy by helping the needy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
by giving a handsome amount of donations. In this way, one might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
Therefore
, one may consider that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
‘Money
is the existing God’ in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world and one becomes happier when one has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
However
, real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is priceless and it cannot
be attained
with money.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
others may argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
could be useful to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
the required things,
nevertheless
, one cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
For example
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in the eyes of a mother when she gives birth to a baby cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Next
, real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is
directly
linked to the soul satisfaction. One can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
exuberant joy without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as if by participating in charity work and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Hence
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that one cannot relate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a luxurious
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
cannot guarantee joy.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Happiness
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from a satisfied soul and sound body while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can ensure the materialistic joys.

To
Possible spelling mistake. 'summarise' is British English.
summarise
, one may consider that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
crucial in achieving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sort of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may
also
consider that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
‘money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the mare go’.
However
, what I believe is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is
certainly
an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not a sole factor to achieve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
Thus
, I
strongly
disagree that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is obtained
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in all the cases.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay It is believed by many people that ‘If people have more money, they are generally happier. ’ v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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