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It is a better for student to live away from the home during their University studies rather than staying with their parents to what extent do you agree or disagree v.2

It is a better for student to live away from the home during their University studies rather than staying with their parents v. 2
As nowadays education became an essential part of our life. So, many people believe that students should do their university studies by living away from home instead of living with their parents. I defer to this to a large extent for some reasons. My position is argued further with an explanation. Out of all the reasons, the foremost one is that, living away from their home without any help of parents. It will make them independent and a great decision maker, which will be helpful for them not only at that time but also in future. I very well know that it will be difficult in beginning, but once they used to it, it will help them for a long time. For instance, children's who don't know how to even communicate with unknown peoples, it will become beneficial for them. Additionally, they will know the importance of their parents and it will realise them what they are in their life. A good example of this is, as we immediately get that we want in our life through our parents without knowing how much hard work they did for that just one thing. Moreover, we come to know what sacrifices had made by our parents for our smallest needs. However, I would not overlook the other side too. To begin with, sometimes the students get influenced by bad things which leads them to worse situations in their life. For examples, some of them start taking drugs which destroyed out their whole career. Thus to conclude the discussion, it can finally be said that we can't learn just by residing at home, we have to get out from our comfort zone and deal with every situation with full awareness without getting indulged in bad activities.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
nowadays education became an essential part of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that students should do their university studies by living away from home
instead
of living with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. I defer to this to a large extent for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons. My position
is argued
further
with an explanation.

Out of all the reasons, the foremost one is that, living away from their home without any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. It will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them independent and a great decision maker, which will be helpful for them not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
at that time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
. I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
that it will be difficult in beginning,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
once they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to it, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them for a long time.
For instance
, children's who don't
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
how to even communicate with unknown peoples, it will become beneficial for them.

Additionally
, they will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
the importance of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and it will
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
them what they are in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example of this is, as we immediately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
that we want in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
through our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
without knowing how much
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work they did for that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
one thing.
Moreover
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
what sacrifices had made by our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
for our smallest needs.

However
, I would not overlook the other side too. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
the students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
influenced by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
things which leads them to worse situations in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. For examples,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
taking drugs which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroyed
out their whole career.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
to conclude
the discussion, it can
finally
be said
that we can't learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
by residing at home, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
out from our comfort zone and deal with every situation with full awareness without getting indulged in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
activities.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Learn a new language and get a new soul.
Czech Proverb

IELTS essay It is a better for student to live away from the home during their University studies rather than staying with their parents v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
293 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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