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It has been said that people who read for pleasure have developed imaginations and gained better language skills than people who prefer watching TV. Do you agree or disagree v.2

It has been said that people who read for pleasure have developed imaginations and gained better language skills than people who prefer watching TV. v. 2
There are those who view that, in this modern era art is a great medical treatment for human relaxation. However, most artists earn a decent income from their job, hence they are struggling to make a living. I believe great things will happen if artist receive aid from government. The pros and cons for my view will be given as below. First, it is noteworthy that most artist, s art area main job and it is the primary source of income. In addition to that, most of them are obviously fascinate about what they do and they are spending massive time and millions of own fund for creating a mesmerize craft. As an example, prominent film director Mr Karan Johor who live in India contributed millions of money for making a historical film which is name of Padmawathi. But he did not recover all of fund which they had spent. Thus, I believe the governing body should be supported to them for continuing their work and film industry. Furthermore, most of individuals are living capital city in the country for facilitating their work the main aspect is they have not own resident or apartment for them. After getting old they struggle for fulfilling their basic needs such as housing, food and medical also. Hence the state should be introduced, some pension scheme to look after them. Moreover, art is the passion of the culture and tradition of the country. But the government would not be contributing much money for that stream because it will be increased unemployment rates. For instance, in this contemporary society, most of artists, talented and creative people to make a great profession. They can reach their lucrative easily by using technology. Hence, I trust. They can earn more money, without support from others. To sum up, artists need financial assistant to continue their tremendous and fascinating works of profession because the government should look after them from trivial time by giving financial support.
There are those who view that, in this modern era art is a great medical treatment for human relaxation.
However
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
earn a decent income from their job,
hence
they are struggling to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a living. I believe great things will happen if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artist
receive aid from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. The pros and cons for my view will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
as below.

First
, it is noteworthy that most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artist
, s art area main job and it is the primary source of income.
In addition
to that, most of them are
obviously
Consider using a past participle here: "fascinated".
fascinate
about what they
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
do and
they are spending massive time and millions of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
fund for creating
After 'a', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'mesmerize' is correct. If 'mesmerize' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
a mesmerize
craft. As an example, prominent film director Mr
Possible spelling mistake found.
Karan
Possible spelling mistake found.
Johor
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in India contributed millions of money for making a historical film which is name of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Padmawathi
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
he did not recover
Consider using "all fund" or "all of the fund".
all of fund
which they had spent.
Thus
, I believe the governing body should
be supported
to them for continuing their work and film industry.
Furthermore
,
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the individuals") or simply say "most individuals".
most of individuals
are living capital city in the country for facilitating their work the main aspect is they have not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
resident or apartment for them. After getting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
they struggle for fulfilling their basic needs such as housing, food and medical
also
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
the state should
be introduced
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Did you mean "pensions"?
pension
scheme to look after them.

Moreover
, art is the passion of the culture and tradition of the country.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
would not be contributing much money for that stream
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will
be increased
unemployment rates.
For instance
, in this contemporary society, most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
, talented and creative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a great profession. They can reach their lucrative
easily
by using technology.
Hence
, I trust. They can earn more money, without support from others.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
need financial assistant to continue their tremendous and fascinating works of profession
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should look after them from trivial time by giving financial support.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay It has been said that people who read for pleasure have developed imaginations and gained better language skills than people who prefer watching TV. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
327 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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