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You owrk for an international company. You have seen an advertisement for a trainning course which will be useful for your job. Write a letter to your manager. In your letter- describe the training course you want to do; - explain what the company could do v.1

You owrk for an international company. You have seen an advertisement for a trainning course which will be useful for your job. Write a letter to your manager. In your letter- describe the training course you want to do; - explain what the company could do v. 1
Owing to the advancement in the field of science and technology, there is a possibility that people can live up to 150 years. Although it is advantageous for the individual, it possesses a dangerous impact on the society. This essay will examine the benefits and drawbacks of people living to 150. The old age people can work better than their younger counterparts, because they have developed a better understanding of this world. For instance, an elderly scientist can contribute more effectively to the field of science than the younger generation. Because they have spend a significant amount of time in experimenting the new ideas. Furthermore, they can spend more time with their loved one. Which produces a positive impact on the person himself and the society. Therefore, youngsters can learn from the experience of the people who live longer and they themselves can enjoy their life a little longer. Living to 150 has its own drawbacks, because a person can no longer live an independent life. To illustrate, old age is linked to many diseases such as osteoporosis. Many old age women suffer from it. Consequently, their quality of life is affected, because their bones become weak. They become dependent on others. Hence, the dependency on others is the drawback of living a longer life. To conclude, people can possibly live longer in the foreseeable future. It is good for a person, but it may produce negative consequences for the society. The vast experience and to cherish life for a long period are the benefits of living to 150, while dependency is the main risk.
Owing to the advancement in the field of science and technology, there is a possibility that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
up to 150 years. Although it is advantageous for the individual, it possesses a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
impact on the society. This essay will examine the benefits and drawbacks of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living to 150.

The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can work better than their younger counterparts,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have developed a better understanding of this world.
For instance
, an elderly scientist can contribute more
effectively
to the field of science than the younger generation.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
they have
Use past participle here: "spent".
spend
a significant amount of time in experimenting the new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
.
Furthermore
, they can spend more time with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
one. Which produces a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on the person himself and the society.
Therefore
, youngsters can learn from the experience of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
longer and
they themselves can enjoy their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
longer.

Living to 150 has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
drawbacks,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a person can no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
an independent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. To illustrate,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age
is linked
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
diseases such as osteoporosis.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age women suffer from it.
Consequently
, their quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their bones become weak. They become dependent on others.
Hence
, the dependency on others is the drawback of living a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
life.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
possibly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
in the foreseeable future. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for a person,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it may produce
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences for the society. The vast experience and to cherish
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
for a long period are the benefits of living to 150, while dependency is the main
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay You owrk for an international company. You have seen an advertisement for a trainning course which will be useful for your job. Write a letter to your manager. In your letter- describe the training course you want to do; - explain what the company could do v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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