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It has been said, "Not all learning takes place in the classroom. " Compare and contrast knowledge gained from personal experience with knowledge gained from classroom instruction. In your opinion, which source is more important? Why? v.1

It has been said, "Not all learning takes place in the classroom. " Compare and contrast knowledge gained from personal experience with knowledge gained from classroom instruction. In your opinion, which source is more important? Why? v. 1
People living in massive cities often encounter many problems in daily basis. Out of all problems, to my opinion, the main problem is their ignorant behaviour. In other words, people tend to live individually and most of them ignore their surroundings, such as environment, society, etc. To illustrate, nowadays, technology has grown rapidly over time and has been used by many people, either for work or study. One of the most popular things about it is social media, for instance Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and many more. Not only it is all over the world, but also society. Some of the recent news is about a girl, who was being harassed by 12 high school students, was hospitalized because of some injuries at her vital area. This news exploded in a nick of time when it was published. Many people, including local artists and celebrities, started to apathy and visit her. At first, it was like the world against these 12 students, until someone shared the other side of the story and it was proven by police officers and medics. From this, we can learn that hoax message can be very dangerous and it could risk someone else's lives just because of a small problem in our society. Even though at some points, it would be better for the government to encourage people to move, but from my experiences, moving to different places does not help changing the world into a better place; it might change a little, but not adequately. In other words, people tend to argue and do the same thing over and over again. To conclude, people have their own problems; it could be big or small. As a result, the idea of moving to regional towns would not solve their problems.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
living in massive cities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
encounter
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
in daily basis. Out of all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, to my opinion, the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is their ignorant
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
individually
and most of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
their surroundings, such as environment, society, etc.

To illustrate, nowadays, technology has grown
rapidly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
time and has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, either for work or study. One of the most popular things about it is social media,
for instance
Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
it is all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
the world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
society.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
recent news is about a girl, who was
being harassed
by 12 high school students,
was hospitalized
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
injuries at her vital area. This news exploded in a nick of time when it
was published
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, including local artists and celebrities,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to apathy and visit her. At
first
, it was like the world against these 12 students, until someone shared the other side of the story and it
was proven
by police officers and medics. From this, we can learn that hoax message can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
and it could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
someone else's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
in our society.

Even though
at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
points, it would be better for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
from my experiences, moving to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
places does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
The verb 'help' is used with an infinitive: "to change" or "change".
changing
the world into a better place; it might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not
adequately
.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to argue and do the same thing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
again.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
; it could be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
.
As a result
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of moving to regional towns would not solve their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay It has been said, "Not all learning takes place in the classroom. " Compare and contrast knowledge gained from personal experience with knowledge gained from classroom instruction. In your opinion, which source is more important? Why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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