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nonemployment is getting increasingly serious in many countries. Some people think students only need to get primary education, while others think secondary education is necessary. What 's Your opinion? v.2

nonemployment is getting increasingly serious in many countries. Some people think students only need to get primary education, while others think secondary education is necessary. What 's Your opinion? v. 2
There is no doubt that education is an indispensable need in a developed community. Although some people recommend working after finishing primary education, others believe that secondary education is mandatory. I, personally, support the latter view. In this essay, I argue why students are better qualified for work after they finish high school. To begin with, the high school provides students with well-rounded knowledge and self-discipline. This is because they learn a variety of subjects and learn how to be a commitment to work as well as to respect the time. As a consequence, they have a privilege to get work after graduation over those who just attended primary school. In a study conducted in the USA, secondary school graduates showed to get much higher job opportunities when compared with those who got only primary education. I think that if the worker is not well-educated and skillful, his performance and productivity at work will be greatly affected. Thus, secondary education is needed to provide society with knowledgeable and competent persons. Furthermore, after finishing primary school, the pupil is still immature to work. The age of the student after completing primary education is 13 years in most countries. In many developed communities, children at this age are not legally allowed to work. In my opinion, until the age of 18 years, children ought to study hard to improve their skills and, at the same time, enjoy their childhood. If children less than 18 years old worked and left school, they would face many psychological problems in the future. Therefore, primary school graduates are not allowed to work not only because they lack knowledge but also because of immaturity. In conclusion, I believe that secondary education is mandatory before employment because students are still immature. Moreover, in secondary school, they need to get a well-rounded education.
There is no doubt that
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education
is an indispensable need in a developed community. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
recommend working after finishing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is mandatory. I,
personally
, support the latter view. In this essay, I argue why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are better qualified for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
after they finish high school.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
provides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with well-rounded knowledge and self-discipline. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they learn a variety of subjects and learn how to be a commitment to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as well
as to respect the time. As a consequence, they have a privilege to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
after graduation over those who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
attended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. In a study conducted in the USA,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
graduates
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
much higher job opportunities when compared with those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that if the worker is not well-educated and skillful, his performance and productivity at
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work
will be
greatly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
.
Thus
,
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secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is needed
to provide society with knowledgeable and competent persons.

Furthermore
, after finishing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, the pupil is
still
immature to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. The age of the
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student
after completing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is 13 years in most countries. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
developed communities, children at this age are not
legally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. In my opinion, until the age of 18 years, children ought to study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and, at the same time, enjoy their childhood. If children less than 18 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
worked and
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left
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school
, they would face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
psychological problems in the future.
Therefore
,
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primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
graduates are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
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work
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they lack knowledge
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of immaturity.

In conclusion
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is mandatory
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
employment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are
still
immature.
Moreover
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, they need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a well-rounded
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
37Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay nonemployment is getting increasingly serious in many countries. Some people think students only need to get primary education, while others think secondary education is necessary. What 's Your opinion? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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