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Internet crime is increasing rapidly as more and more people are using the internet to make financial transactions. What can be done to tackle this problem? v.2

Cyber offence is increasing due to the rapid growth of the economic transition made by majority of the population. This problem can be solved by making people aware about the secure payment on the website as well as avoid to share any bank or credit card information on untrusted website. First of all, in the era of globalization people always try to buy something from abroad that's why they have to make payment to via online. Most of the time consumer use bank transfer or credit card to make those payments. If the payment gateway is unsecure, then all the money goes to the hackers accounts instead of seller’s account. The hacker’s are always ready to do this thing, which is a serious cyber-crime. So, we have to aware people about the secure and safe payment gateway. For example, in 2014, Bangladesh government made a transaction of 1. 5 billion dollar to the Philippine’s government to purchase some instruments but the total money was sent to hacker’s account, this is because of the unsecured payment systems. Secondly, to reduce cyber-crime, we have to aware about the information sharing, which includes bank or credit card login data. When we share our financial details on an untrusted website, this site keep this information and sold them to hacker. And by this way, lots of people lost their money within two days after putting financial information on site. For example, during COVID pandemic, near about 15% of people in our country, who used their credit card to purchase products, lost their money due to the use of untrusted sites. In conclusion, net offences are reduceable by increasing awareness about sharing financial information on unsafe sites and by using encrypted or secure payment systems.
Cyber
Possible spelling mistake. ‘offence’ is British English.
offence
is increasing due to the rapid growth of the economic transition made by majority of the population. This problem can
be solved
by making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
aware about the secure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
payment
on the website
as well
as
The verb ‘avoid’ is used with the gerund form: “avoid sharing”.
avoid to share
any bank or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
credit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
card
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
on untrusted website.

Often, this adverbial phrase is redundant. Consider using “first”.
First of all
, in the era of globalization
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
something from abroad that's why they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
payment
to via online. Most of the time consumer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
bank transfer or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
credit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
card
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
payments
. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
payment
gateway is unsecure, then all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
goes to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hackers
accounts
instead
of seller’s account. The
Did you mean the plural instead of the possessive?
hacker’s
are always ready to do this thing, which is a serious cyber-crime.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
aware
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about the secure and safe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
payment
gateway.
For example
, in 2014, Bangladesh
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
made a transaction of 1. 5 billion dollar to the Philippine’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Use a comma before ‘but’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
instruments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hacker’s
account, this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the unsecured
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
payment
systems.

Secondly
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
cyber-crime, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
aware about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
sharing, which includes bank or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
credit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
card
login data. When we share our financial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
on an untrusted website, this site
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
and sold them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hacker
. And by this way, lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lost their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
within two days after putting financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
on site.
For example
, during
Did you mean “COVID-19” or the alternative spelling “Covid-19” (= coronavirus)?
COVID
pandemic, near about 15% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in our country, who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
credit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
card
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
products, lost their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
due to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of untrusted sites.

In conclusion
, net
Possible spelling mistake. ‘offences’ is British English.
offences
are
Possible spelling mistake found.
reduceable
by increasing awareness about sharing financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
on unsafe sites and by using encrypted or secure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
payment
systems.
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Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Internet crime is increasing rapidly as more and more people are using the internet to make financial transactions. What can be done to tackle this problem?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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