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Independent TOEFL essay - TPO 9: Agree or disagree? Technology has made children less creative than they were in the past. v.2

Independent TOEFL essay - TPO 9: Agree or disagree? Technology has made children less creative than they were in the past. v. 2
There is no doubt that technology advances have extensive effects on both children and adults. This often brings up a controversial question: How does technology affect the children' s creativity? In this regard, some people are inclined toward the opinion that technology has made children lose their creativity whereas others hold exactly the opposite perspective, believing that technology has developed creativity in children. The way I see it, technology positively influences children and increases their creativity and innovation since it provides diverse information very quickly and easily for everybody and helps to improve the skills. The first reason that immediately comes to mind is that technology advances help children to gain different knowledge very fast and simply with no limitations. As there is not any limitation to attain information for anybody, every child can acquire needed information and exploit it to find new solutions for the issues. For instance, my friend wanted to learn how to play a violin but she did not have access to a music teacher. She asked a famous violinist in another city to teach her through the internet. Additionally, she learned about music and different instruments over the internet. Now, she applies the notes that she has learned and makes new musical pieces that she has written herself. Therefore, accessibility and swiftness of achieving information by the technology improves the children’s initiative. Another equally important reason is that technology causes children to improve their skills. That is to say, children become multi-skilled and use their skills to create new ideas and new things. Take a child for instance, who wants to create an animation in which the characters and the colors look like real. She cannot use the old methods because they do not seem real. So she uses the computer software. Therefore, she has to improve her diverse skills to make the animated movies – like using the computer, knowing something about paintings, learning about moving picture, acquiring knowledge of technical jargons, and learning English language to use the software features. Hence, children can make new innovations by expanding their skills and aptitudes. Decisively, if one assesses the aforementioned results of technology on children' s behavior, one soon realizes that technology has an overall positive effect on children' s creativity. In fact, children use technology to gain knowledge rapidly and easily, and develop their several abilities. Consequently, they utilize their knowledge and skills to make new ideas.
There is no doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
advances have extensive effects on both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and adults. This
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
brings up a controversial question: How does
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
affect the
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s creativity? In this regard,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are inclined
toward the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
lose their creativity whereas others hold exactly the opposite perspective, believing that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has developed creativity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The way I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
it,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
positively
influences
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and increases their creativity and innovation since it provides diverse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
quickly
and
easily
for everybody and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

The
first
reason that immediately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to mind is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
advances
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
and
simply
with no limitations. As there is not any limitation to attain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
for anybody, every child can acquire needed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
and exploit it to find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
solutions for the issues.
For instance
, my friend wanted to learn how to play a violin
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
she did not have access to a music teacher. She asked a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
violinist in another city to teach her through the internet.
Additionally
, she learned about music and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
instruments over the internet.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, she applies the notes that she has learned and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
musical pieces that she has written herself.
Therefore
, accessibility and swiftness of achieving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improves
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
initiative.

Another
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
causes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
That is
to say,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become multi-skilled and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
to create
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things. Take a child
for instance
, who wants to create an animation in which the characters and the colors look like real. She cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
methods
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they do not seem real.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
the computer software.
Therefore
, she
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
her diverse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
the animated movies
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
like using the computer, knowing something about paintings, learning about moving picture, acquiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
of technical
Possible spelling mistake found.
jargons
, and learning English language to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the software features.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
innovations by expanding their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and aptitudes.

Decisively
, if one assesses the aforementioned results of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
on
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s behavior, one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
realizes that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has an
overall
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect on
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s creativity. In fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
to gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
rapidly
and
easily
, and develop their several abilities.
Consequently
, they utilize their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
51Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Independent TOEFL essay - TPO 9: Agree or disagree? Technology has made children less creative than they were in the past. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
403 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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