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Independent TOEFL essay -TPO 15: TPO 15: A/D? In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at a young age. v.2

Independent TOEFL essay -TPO 15: TPO 15: A/D? In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at a young age. v. 2
Nowadays, financial matters play a decisive role in every individual' s life. In order to become a financially responsible person, everyone requires to learn how to equalize the costs and income during a specific period of time. I certainly believe that the skills of managing the money should be obtained in childhood. In the following paragraphs, I will elaborate on my perspective for the excellence of childhood experiences in managing the personal finance. A child' s personality is like paste and is easy to shape. This means that his mind is ready to absorb whatever he sees and hears and to retain until adulthood. Hence, it is a good time to teach financial issues practically. An academic research suggests that children should be given the responsibility of managing their allowance. It also explains that parents should watch their children' s behavior but not wrest control of their money. As a result, he deals with monetary problems and gets prepared for future complicated situations. Parents' are a good supporters for children. They can assist their children financially and sympathetically when they blunder. However, when children grew adults, there is no one to back them. So they need to learn to manage their problems while they have supporters. For example, when I was 11 years old and used to get some pocket money from my father, I expended more than my budget and, by inference, I grew out of money for a while. When I needed to buy a notebook, I had to ask my father to lend me some money. That is how I learned that I should always have some savings and should not spend my whole money. To put it briefly, if one considers the importance of management of the expenses and income, one soon realizes that adulthood is not a proper time to experience new things and learn how to cope with them. In fact, comparing the characteristics of a child and an adult and considering the assistance of their parents in childhood and adulthood clarify the advantages of financial knowledge gained at young ages.
Nowadays, financial matters play a decisive role in every
Possible spelling mistake found.
individual&
#039; s life. In order to become a
financially
responsible person, everyone requires
Did you mean "learning"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'require' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to learn
how to equalize the costs and income during a specific period of time. I
certainly
believe that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of managing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
should
be obtained
in childhood. In the following paragraphs, I will elaborate on my perspective for the excellence of childhood experiences in managing the personal finance.

A
Possible spelling mistake found.
child&
#039; s personality is like paste and is easy to shape. This means that his mind is ready to absorb whatever he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
and hears and to retain until adulthood.
Hence
, it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
time to teach financial issues
practically
. An academic research suggests that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the responsibility of managing their allowance. It
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explains
that parents should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
their
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s behavior
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not wrest control of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
As a result
, he deals with monetary problems and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
prepared for future complicated situations.

Possible spelling mistake found.
Parents&
#039; are a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "supporter"?
supporters
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. They can assist their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
financially
and
sympathetically
when they blunder.
However
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
grew adults, there is no one to back them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they need to learn to manage their problems while they have supporters.
For example
, when I was 11 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
from my father, I expended more than my budget and, by inference, I grew out of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for a while. When I needed to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a notebook, I had to ask my father to lend me
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
That is
how I learned that I should always have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
savings and should not spend my whole money.

To put it
briefly
, if one considers the importance of management of the expenses and income, one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
realizes that adulthood is not a proper time to experience new things and learn how to cope with them. In fact, comparing the characteristics of a child and an adult and considering the assistance of their parents in childhood and adulthood clarify the advantages of financial knowledge gained at young ages.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Independent TOEFL essay -TPO 15: TPO 15: A/D? In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at a young age. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
347 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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