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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at a young age. Hi, Please correct my essay. Many Thanks v.684

In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at a young age. Hi, Please correct my essay. Many Thanks v. 684
Although many people believe that young children should be taught to manage their money. I do strongly disagree with this idea. In my opinion children are not mature enough to think about serious things in life instead they require enough attention in order to grow healthily. Moreover asking the children to think about money management is not applicable. Last but not least is about the adults that they start to imitate their favorable characters during their adultness. It seems that adults can learn from these characters about different things such as how they were responsible adults. Doubtless, children should play a lot and their parents should help them experiencing an enjoyable time during their young ages if they want their children to become prosperous in the future. Actually, speaking about serious things with children is harmful for them since they are not mature enough to distinguish about different perspectives. An example from my own life may shed some light on this issue, I remember the time when I was 7 years old once that my sister told me about how to manage my own money I faced a conflict. I was very depressed at that time since I thought that if I buy an ice-cream we would become poor. We should always remember that one would learn about an issue only if he would face it in the real world. Actually, it is not logical trying to teach a child to take care about his money in order to help him become financially responsible in the future since this child never face an actual occasion in order to realize about the consequences of not controlling his savings. Just imagine you are not married and someone insists to teach you about how to behave in different situation when your partner is angry. It is obvious that until you do not experience real-life situations you could not be able to learn anything. Another side of the coin however is the moment when adults start to behave similar to the famous characters in the society. It is clear that adultness is a suitable age in which one start to change something in his self, start to plane for his future life. Parents may start to speak about how money saving is important and how this famous characteristics have control and manage their money when they were adults. To warp it out, from a child how prefer to play instead of think about serious issues, to a child who does not really face with real situation, and a child who does not actually imitate anyone for learning about different behaviors, speaking about managing money is not suitable and can cause harm to children.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be taught
to manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. I do
strongly
disagree with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. In my opinion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about serious things in life
instead
they require
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
attention in order to grow
healthily
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
asking the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
management is not applicable. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least is about the adults that they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
to imitate their favorable characters during their
Possible spelling mistake found.
adultness
. It seems that adults can learn from these characters about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
things such as how they were responsible adults.

Doubtless,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should play a lot and their parents should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
The verb 'their' is used with an infinitive: "to experience" or "experience".
experiencing
an enjoyable time during their young ages if they want their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to become prosperous in the future. Actually, speaking about serious things with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is harmful for them since they are not mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to distinguish about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
perspectives. An example from my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
life may shed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
light on this issue, I remember the time when I was 7 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
once that my sister
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
me about how to manage my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
I faced a conflict. I was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
depressed at that time since I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that if I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
an ice-cream we would become poor.

We should always remember that one would learn about an issue
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
if he would face it in the real world. Actually, it is not logical trying to teach a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
to take care about his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
him become
financially
responsible in the future since this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
never face an actual occasion in order to realize about the consequences of not controlling his savings.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
imagine you are not married and someone
The usual collocation for "insists" is "on" not "to". Did you mean "insists on teaching"?
insists to teach
you about how to behave in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
situation when your partner is angry. It is obvious that until you do not experience real-life situations you could not be able to learn anything.

Another side of the coin
however
is the moment when adults
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
to behave similar to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
characters in the society. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
Possible spelling mistake found.
adultness
is a suitable age in which one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
something in his self,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plane
for his future life. Parents may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
to speak about how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
saving is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
and how this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
characteristics have control and manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
when they were adults.

To warp it out, from a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
how prefer to play
instead
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about serious issues, to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
who does not
really
face with real situation, and a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
who does not actually imitate anyone for learning about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
behaviors, speaking about managing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is not suitable and can cause harm to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at a young age. Hi, Please correct my essay. Many Thanks v. 684

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
449 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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