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Independent TOEFL essay - TPO 13: A/D? The extended family (grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles) is less important now than it was in the past. v.2

Independent TOEFL essay - TPO 13: A/D? The extended family (grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles) is less important now than it was in the past. v. 2
There is no doubt that relatives and family members played a decisive role in every individual' s social life in the past but, nowadays, the social interactions has changed. In this regard, some people are inclined toward the opinion that the importance of family members has declined while others hold exactly the opposite perspective. From my vantage point, the extended family, including grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, has lost its significance in comparison to the past. In the following paragraphs, I will elaborate on my viewpoint for missed relationship between relatives. The first reason that immediately comes to mind is that people relied on their family members in the past whereas they prefer solitude nowadays. In fact, people lived near their relatives because they required help but nowadays, lifestyle is changing by leaps and bounds that everybody is able to do anything by himself. For example, security is an important issue that our ancestors used to assist each other to preserve against dangers by living nearly while technological and social progresses has improved security situations to the extent that every individual can contend with any issue alone. Therefore, people do not pay as much attention to their families and relatives as they did in the past. Another equally important reason is that people are so busy that they cannot spend too much time with their family. That is to say, everybody has special concerns to achieve his goals that no more time is left to spare with family members and to attend family reunions. In this regard, I may explain my husband' s experience. He is a stockbroker who is always tracking changes in the market and following any news and events in the world that may take a hold in the market. Thus, he is always working even at home day and night and consequently we can visit our family only once or twice a year. Finally, it is an indisputable fact that families have only few members including one or two child. This means that children do not understand the meaning of relationships between family members and relatives. For instance, I used to play with my cousins and stay with my grandparents when my parents were not home. In addition, I have two siblings that made me to bond with my family. This clarifies the fact that single children do not perceive love for an extended family nowadays. Hence, the family loses its significance day by day. Decisively, if one assesses the relationship between family members and compares it to the past, one soon realizes that the extended family has lost its significance nowadays. In fact, developments in lifestyle and no need to others' help, lack of time because of busy lifestyle, and limits on the number of children have affected the relations between family members and have omitted the importance of extended family.
There is no doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relatives
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
played a decisive role in every
Possible spelling mistake found.
individual&
#039; s social life in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nowadays
, the social interactions has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
. In this regard,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are inclined
toward the opinion that the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
has declined while others hold exactly the opposite perspective. From my vantage point, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, including grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, has lost its significance
in comparison
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
. In the following paragraphs, I will elaborate on my viewpoint for missed relationship between relatives.

The
first
reason that immediately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to mind is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
relied on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
whereas they prefer solitude
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nowadays
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
near their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relatives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they required
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nowadays
, lifestyle is changing by leaps and bounds that everybody is able to do anything by himself.
For example
, security is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
issue that our ancestors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to assist each other to preserve against
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
by living
nearly
while technological and social progresses has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
security situations to the extent that every individual can contend with any issue alone.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not pay as much attention to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relatives
as they did in the past.

Another
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
busy that they cannot spend too much time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
That is
to say, everybody has special concerns to achieve his goals that no more time is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
to spare with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
and to attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
reunions. In this regard, I may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
my
Possible spelling mistake found.
husband&
#039; s experience. He is a stockbroker who is always tracking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in the market and following any news and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
in the world that may take a hold in the market.
Thus
, he is always working even at home day and night and
consequently
we can visit our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
once or twice a year.

Finally
, it is an indisputable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
including one or two
Possible agreement error. The noun 'child' seems to be countable, so consider using: "children".
child
. This means that children do not understand the meaning of relationships between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relatives
.
For instance
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to play with my cousins and stay with my grandparents when my parents were not home.
In addition
, I have two siblings that made me to bond with my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. This clarifies the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
that single children do not perceive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
for an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nowadays
.
Hence
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
loses its significance day by day.

Decisively
, if one assesses the relationship between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
and compares it to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
, one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
realizes that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
has lost its significance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nowadays
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
, developments in lifestyle and no need to
Possible spelling mistake found.
others&
#039;
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
, lack of time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of busy lifestyle, and limits on the number of children have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
the relations between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
and have omitted the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
52Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Independent TOEFL essay - TPO 13: A/D? The extended family (grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles) is less important now than it was in the past. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
476 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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