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Independent TOEFL essay - TPO 14: A/D? People benefit more from traveling in their own country than from traveling to foreign countries. v.2

Independent TOEFL essay - TPO 14: A/D? People benefit more from traveling in their own country than from traveling to foreign countries. v. 2
Travelling expands one' s view, increases one' s experience, and broadens the information. The way I see it, both trip to one' s own country and to a foreign country can instruct worthwhile lessons and can benefit the traveler. However, the situations that people cope with in a country are similar. Hence, I prefer to travel to abroad. What follows is the elaboration of my viewpoint. A journey outside a country endows people with a broad insight. That is to say, the more people travel to different countries, the deeper their outlook becomes. For example, when I was at the dormitory a few years ago, I encountered many students from different countries with diverse cultures. It was difficult for me to accept the differences at first and sometimes, I got upset by their behavior. However, my roommate, who had travelled a lot, dealt with them surprisingly well since she knew that they do not misbehave intentionally. Therefore, going to many places and facing with many customs had given a deep insight to my roommate. Overseas travelling bestow great experiences on people and makes them face with different situations and the solutions that local people use to not be in trouble. For instance, once the electricity of my apartment cut off because of some problems in the electricity network in a hot summer day, I drenched a piece of cloth and put it on my head - the same as the way some people use in lower altitudes. I learned it when I traversed to a desert in central Iran that water evaporates and cools you down and suppresses your body to lose fluids. Hence, I used my experience of a trip to deal with a problem. It is also important to bear in mind that experiencing new conditions and facing various issues and people give a breadth of knowledge. In fact, observing is a way of gaining information. As students learn about a particular subject in a field trip, the traveler learns new information by going abroad and observing new places, customs, and people. Decisively, if one assesses the benefits of travelling abroad, one soon realizes that it is worth to see a foreign country at least once. In fact, the differences between lifestyle in foreign countries and the one' s own country can be advantageous since it provides profound outlook, valuable experience and wider knowledge.
Travelling expands
Possible spelling mistake found.
one&
#039; s view, increases
Possible spelling mistake found.
one&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
, and broadens the information. The way I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
it, both trip to
Possible spelling mistake found.
one&
#039; s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and to a foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
can instruct worthwhile lessons and can benefit the traveler.
However
, the situations that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cope with in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
are similar.
Hence
, I prefer to travel to abroad. What follows is the elaboration of my viewpoint.

A journey outside a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
endows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with a broad insight.
That is
to say, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
travel to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, the deeper their outlook becomes.
For example
, when I was at the dormitory a few years ago, I encountered
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
with diverse cultures. It was difficult for me to accept the differences at
first
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
upset by their behavior.
However
, my roommate, who had travelled a lot, dealt with them
surprisingly
well since she knew that they do not misbehave
intentionally
.
Therefore
, going to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
places and facing with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
customs had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a deep insight to my roommate.

Overseas travelling bestow great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them face with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
situations and the solutions that local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
to not be in trouble.
For instance
, once the electricity of my apartment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
off
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems in the electricity network in a hot summer day, I drenched a piece of cloth and put it on my head
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
the same as the way
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
in lower altitudes. I learned it when I traversed to a desert in central Iran that water evaporates and cools you down and suppresses your body to lose fluids.
Hence
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
of a trip to deal with a problem.

It is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to bear in mind that experiencing new conditions and facing various issues and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
give a breadth of knowledge. In fact, observing is a way of gaining information. As students learn about a particular subject in a field trip, the traveler learns new information by going abroad and observing new places, customs, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Decisively
, if one assesses the benefits of travelling abroad, one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
realizes that it is worth to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
at least once. In fact, the differences between lifestyle in foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
and the
Possible spelling mistake found.
one&
#039; s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
can be advantageous since it provides profound outlook, valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
and wider knowledge.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Independent TOEFL essay - TPO 14: A/D? People benefit more from traveling in their own country than from traveling to foreign countries. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
396 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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