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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People benefit more from traveling in their own country than from traveling to foreign countries. Hi, Please correct my essay. many Thanks v.241

People benefit more from traveling in their own country than from traveling to foreign countries. Hi, Please correct my essay. many Thanks v. 241
It is widely acknowledged that the primary objective of school education is to impart theoretical knowledge and not acquisition of life skills. However, it does not necessitate schools offering car repair or bank account management lessons, in my opinion. There are several obvious advantages to maintaining the focus of school education to the teaching of academic subjects, namely science, mathematics, history and languages. It is a well-known fact that we now live in a knowledge based economy in which independent thinking and problem solving skills are more crucial to success at the workplace. Further, we should not overlook the fact that many ineluctable subjects are currently finding their way into the curriculum such as business management and computers. Their inclusion has rendered timetables full, leaving schools little time to teach any life skills. Moreover, skills such as operating a bank account or fixing a car are not too complex or profound to be taught in an academic setting. People hardly complain about not having taught how to avail of banking services when they were in school. Financial prudence is usually gained in later stages of life by making pecuniary transactions on a daily basis. Finally, car maintenance is an inconsequential skill as most people prefer taking their cars to a qualified mechanic to fixing them on their own. To conclude, school hours are too limited to fit in practical skills such as accounting or car fixing. Any effort to incorporate them in the curriculum would only upset the study of more important academic subjects.
It is
widely
acknowledged that the primary objective of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
education is to impart theoretical knowledge and not acquisition of life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
However
, it does not necessitate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
offering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
repair or bank account management lessons, in my opinion.

There are several obvious advantages to maintaining the focus of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
education to the teaching of academic subjects,
namely
science, mathematics, history and languages.
It is a well-known fact that
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a knowledge based economy in which independent thinking and problem solving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
are more crucial to success at the workplace.
Further
, we should not overlook the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ineluctable subjects are
currently
finding their way into the curriculum such as business management and computers. Their inclusion has rendered timetables full, leaving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
time to teach any life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
such as operating a bank account or fixing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
are not too complex or profound to
be taught
in an academic setting.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
hardly complain about not having taught how to avail of banking services when they were in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. Financial prudence is
usually
gained in later stages of life by making pecuniary transactions on a daily basis.
Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
maintenance is an inconsequential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
as most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
prefer taking their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
to a qualified mechanic to fixing them on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
hours are too limited to fit in practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
such as accounting or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
fixing. Any effort to incorporate them in the curriculum would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
upset the study of more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
academic subjects.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay People benefit more from traveling in their own country than from traveling to foreign countries. Hi, Please correct my essay. many Thanks v. 241

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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