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which one is better for students during breaks? taking different courses or doing voluntarily work to improving the aspects of life in city's universities. v.2

which one is better for students during breaks? taking different courses or doing voluntarily work to improving the aspects of life in city's universities. v. 2
The question is whether during break semester, students should take different courses aside from their major field or being volunteer in improving some aspects of life in city' s universities. Everyone in consideration to his private view point can choose a specific point; however, I am inclined to affirm that taking diverse courses can lead students toward new perspectives of education and even more in such a great condition will provide some merits for their future. I feel this way for some reasons, which I will explore them in following essay to empower my point of view: To begin with, nobody could overlook this fact that breaks have usually been planned to remove the lethargy and fatigue feeling which have overcome the young during a heavy semester; consequently, one should not forget that the main goal of breaks is that students spend their time for exciting and happy experiences. It goes without saying that different courses can challenge youths' abilities; hence, experiencing a new thing will cause students' brain to secrete Dopamine- it is a neural messenger-. Some experts often contend that this chemical substance is able to increase pleasure and joyful and meanwhile it is responsible for creating motivation. Briefly, a variety of unrelated courses with major filed can assist students to avoid any stress and anxiety in daily life. The second reason for my argument lies the fact of interdisciplinary. Nowadays, the societies are competing with each other for achieving prosperity. Admittedly, one should notice that such a technology-driven world requires communities to have a high level of scientific knowledge. Traditionally, companies used to hire an employee with a specific skill; however, todays' those companies would rather take merging several fields into account. To elucidate, take my own experience, my major field is software engineering. One summer, I participated in an excavation trip and I could learn how to excavate in an ancient site or how to behave with the old discovered materials from underground. After returning, in fall semester, a new and appealing idea came to my mind, so I could write a computer code about determining approximate date of ancient stuff into original site without waiting for results of archaeology laboratory. To sum up, this conclusion could be drawn that the advantages of different course outweigh to its disadvantages and besides of providing happiness and experiencing new things, these types of courses can help students to suggest creative ideas.
The question is whether during break semester,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
aside from their major field or being volunteer in improving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
aspects of life in
Possible spelling mistake found.
city&
#039; s universities. Everyone in consideration to his private view point can choose a specific point;
however
, I
am inclined
to affirm that taking diverse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
can lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
toward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
perspectives of education and even more in such a great condition will provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
merits for their future. I feel this way for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons, which I will explore them in following essay to empower my point of view:

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, nobody could overlook this fact that breaks have
usually
been planned
to remove the lethargy and fatigue feeling which have overcome the young during a heavy semester;
consequently
, one should not forget that the main goal of breaks is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
spend their time for exciting and happy experiences. It goes without saying that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
can challenge
Possible spelling mistake found.
youths&
#039; abilities;
hence
, experiencing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
thing will cause
Possible spelling mistake found.
students&
#039; brain to secrete Dopamine- it is a neural messenger-.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
experts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
contend that this chemical substance is able to increase pleasure and joyful and meanwhile it is responsible for creating motivation.
Briefly
, a variety of unrelated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
with major filed can assist
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to avoid any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and anxiety in daily life.

The second reason for my argument lies the fact of interdisciplinary. Nowadays, the societies are competing with each other for achieving prosperity.
Admittedly
, one should notice that such a technology-driven world requires communities to have a high level of scientific knowledge.
Traditionally
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to hire an employee with a specific
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
;
however
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
todays&
#039; those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
would
rather
take merging several fields into account. To elucidate, take my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experience, my major field is software engineering. One summer, I participated in an excavation trip and I could learn how to excavate in an ancient site or how to behave with the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
discovered materials from underground. After returning, in fall semester, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
and appealing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
came to my mind,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I could write a computer code about determining approximate date of ancient stuff into original site without waiting for results of archaeology laboratory.

To sum up, this conclusion could
be drawn
that the advantages of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
outweigh to its disadvantages and
besides
of providing happiness and experiencing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things, these types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to suggest creative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay which one is better for students during breaks? taking different courses or doing voluntarily work to improving the aspects of life in city's universities. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
403 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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