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In your opinion, what is the most important invention in your life? Computer, television or telephone? v.1

In your opinion, what is the most important invention in your life? Computer, television or telephone? v. 1
Teenagers tend to be in the company of their peers more than with their families nowadays. There are reasons that this change has happened, so the essay below will discuss more about them and also explain why it is not appropriate to enforce staying at home on the youth. To begin with, young people are known to go through some emotional challenges as they grow. Many parents are so busy with work in order to pay the bills that it prevents them from having enough chance to attend the emotional needs of their children. Therefore, they take solace in the hands of their friends who definitely have more time to listen and share their advice too. This was not as the past years when more families had one non-working parent. More so, the fact that the advancement of technology in recent days also contributes to the reason why young peers enjoy spending more with each other cannot be over-looked. The youths have so many games that they play together and this has continued to be on the increase recently. For example, a new study suggests that young people now enjoy playing games with their friends rather than with their families. This might be that they are of the age and understand modern technology better. However, the idea of forcing the teenagers to stay at the house with the parents is something that should be discouraged as it will cause more harm than good. This group of individuals is noticed to react negatively when they are being subjected to do things against their will. Rather, a better solution will be to explain the reasons why spending time with the family is also important to them. In conclusion, the busy schedule of older adults and also the modern inventions in game industries has contributed to drawing young adults closer to their friends. But, instead of using force to make them stay at home, a more reasonable approach like explanation should be applied.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
tend to be in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
of their peers more than with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
nowadays. There are reasons that this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
has happened,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the essay below will discuss more about them and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why it is not appropriate to enforce staying at home on the youth.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are known
to go through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
emotional challenges as they grow.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
parents are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
busy with work in order to pay the bills that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
them from having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
chance to attend the emotional needs of their children.
Therefore
, they take solace in the hands of their friends who definitely have more time to listen and share their advice too. This was not as the past years when more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
had one non-working parent.

More
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, the fact that the advancement of technology in recent days
also
contributes to the reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
peers enjoy spending more with each other cannot be over-looked. The youths have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
games that they play together and this has continued to be on the increase recently.
For example
, a new study suggests that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
enjoy playing games with their friends
rather
than with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. This might be that they are of the age and understand modern technology better.

However
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of forcing the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
to stay at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
with the parents is something that should
be discouraged
as it will cause more harm than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
. This group of individuals
is noticed
to react
negatively
when they are
being subjected
to do things against their will.
Rather
, a better solution will be to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the reasons why spending time with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to them.

In conclusion
, the busy schedule of older adults and
also
the modern inventions in game industries has contributed to drawing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults closer to their friends.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
,
instead
of using force to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them stay at home, a more reasonable approach like explanation should
be applied
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay In your opinion, what is the most important invention in your life? Computer, television or telephone? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
330 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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