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in what ways can society benefit from contribution that older people can make? v.1

in what ways can society benefit from contribution that older people can make? v. 1
With the advent of modern technology and medical treatment regimens, elderly people above 65 years have longer life expectancy and spend physically active life. They can contribute very actively towards the development of society, owing to the years of experience they earned in their life time. The senior citizens can benefit the society in a number of ways utilizing their experience in the fields, in which they gave whole life. They can provide excellent teaching lessons in schools as a result of vast experience or provide valuable assistance in finance department. For example, we witness all the best teachers in colleges and universities are elderly and experienced. In addition, all the senior surgeons in hospitals who are aged, may not perform miraculous and long surgeries but they are excellent guides for the procedure. So they can prove to be productive members of the society. The elderly people can be beneficial in sports as well. These seasoned players can be employed as coaches in various games and this will keep them physically active as well. For example, majority of the coaches of soccer team in UK are more than 65 years of age and they have been witnessed to train the team so well and devise such strategies which players of the current era cannot even think of. It is beneficial for both the society and the veterans as it gives the satisfaction and sense of achievement. In conclusion, senior members of society can be very useful, provided they are utilized well and employed as per their aptitudes.
With the advent of modern technology and medical treatment regimens, elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
above 65 years have longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy and spend
physically
active
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. They can contribute
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
actively
towards the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, owing to the years of experience they earned in their
Did you mean "lifetime"?
life time
.

The senior citizens can benefit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
in a number of ways utilizing their experience in the fields, in which they gave whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. They can provide excellent teaching lessons in schools
as a result
of vast experience or provide valuable assistance in finance department.
For example
, we witness all the best teachers in colleges and universities are elderly and experienced.
In addition
, all the senior surgeons in hospitals who
are aged
, may not perform miraculous and long surgeries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they are excellent guides for the procedure.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they can prove to be productive members of the society.

The elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can be beneficial in sports as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
. These seasoned players can
be employed
as coaches in various games and this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them
physically
active as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
.
For example
,
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
the coaches of soccer team in UK are more than 65 years of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
age and
they have
been witnessed
to train the team
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
and devise such strategies which players of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
era cannot even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
of. It is beneficial for both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and the veterans as it gives the satisfaction and sense of achievement.

In conclusion
, senior members of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
useful, provided they
are utilized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
and employed as per their aptitudes.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
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IELTS essay in what ways can society benefit from contribution that older people can make? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
257 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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