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In today’s competitive world, many families find it necessary for both parents go out to work. While some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income, others feel they lack support because of their parents’ absence. v.5

In today’s competitive world, many families find it necessary for both parents go out to work. While some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income, others feel they lack support because of their parents’ absence. v. 5
In the past, it was a custom for a father to be the only bread earner for the family. Fathers would go out to work and earn money to fulfil the families’ daily needs and mothers would stay home to take care of the children. However, nowadays, it is not rare to find both parents going out to work. Whilst the additional income might bring benefits to everyone especially the children, there are a number of drawbacks that cannot be overlooked. This essay will confer whether or not it is necessary for both parents to go out to earn money for a living. In some families, both parents are required to work not because of their own will, but because circumstances demand them to. As living cost and everything is getting more expensive in today’s competitive world, some families might not earn enough to cover their living cost if only one parent goes out to work. That being the case, there is nothing anyone can do to help. However, the benefit of the extra income for the children still remains unchanged. With more income, parents will be able to afford more new toys, the latest gadget, and even vacation abroad. On the other hand, children might feel abandoned due to their parents’ never being there for them. It is also proven that children’s, whose parents are never at home, are more prone to behavioural problems. For instance, my friend, Elaine, whose parents is always working overnight and is never there for her when she needs them, has to battle with her insecurity of being unwanted every day, she, in turn, tries to seek the attention of her teachers by behaving badly in the class. From my example, you can see how parents’ absence can affect children in the long run. As far as I am concerned, there is no need for both parents to be working unless it is really necessary. While additional income is benefiting for the children, the presence of a mother will be best for the children’s well-being in the long run.
In the past, it was a custom for a father to be the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
bread earner for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. Fathers would go out to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and earn money to fulfil the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families’
daily needs and mothers would stay home to take care of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
However
, nowadays, it is not rare to find both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
going out to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. Whilst the additional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
might bring benefits to everyone
especially
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, there are a number of drawbacks that cannot
be overlooked
. This essay will confer
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
it is necessary for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to go out to earn money for a living.

In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are required
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
will,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
circumstances demand them to. As living cost and everything is getting more expensive in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s competitive world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
might not earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to cover their living cost if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
goes out to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. That being the case, there is nothing anyone can do to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
.
However
, the benefit of the extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
still
remains unchanged. With more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
will be able to afford more new toys, the latest gadget, and even vacation abroad.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might feel abandoned due to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
never being there for them. It is
also
proven that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
, whose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are never at home, are more prone to
Possible spelling mistake. 'behavioural' is British English.
behavioural
problems.
For instance
, my friend, Elaine, whose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
Possible agreement error. You should probably use: "am", "are", "aren".
is
always working overnight and is never there for her when she needs them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
battle with her insecurity of
being unwanted
every day, she, in turn, tries to seek the attention of her teachers by behaving
badly
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
. From my example, you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
absence can affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the long run.

As far as I
am concerned
, there is no need for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to be working unless it is
really
necessary. While additional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
is benefiting for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, the presence of a mother will be best for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
well-being in the long run.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay In today’s competitive world, many families find it necessary for both parents go out to work. While some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income, others feel they lack support because of their parents’ absence. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
345 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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