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In these days, certain jobs such as medical or education are undervalued and should be paid more. While the others state that film actors or company bosses should be paid with a huge sum of money v.1

In these days, certain jobs such as medical or education are undervalued and should be paid more. While the others state that film actors or company bosses should be paid with a huge sum of money v. 1
it is true that certain jobs such as medical or education are undervalued and should be paid more. While the others state that film actors or company bosses should be paid with a huge sum of money, I would strongly argue that doctors, nurses or teachers should be more valued in the modern society. First and foremost, teachers should be paid more due to the higher demand of education from people around the world. I believe that education is the only path that leads us to wealth from salary that can be earned from our job. The higher is the level of teaching, the harder the teachers must teach in order to make the students understand fully their lessons. As the teachers work hard, they should deserve a great amount of money due to their contribution to student’s success, which can lead to student’s bright future. Secondly, doctors and nurses are the most important factor to improve people’s health. being healthy is a dream for everyone in the world and it is being considered as one of the most fundamental keys to build a happy life. if people are not healthy, they cannot enjoy the fullest happiness in the world. Hence, doctors and nurses are responsible in treating diseases as well as preventing it from people. A good illustration for this is in Africa countries, which has frequent diseases occurred, doctors and nurses are extremely in need. As a result, African governments set a high salary with tremendous appreciation for any high-quality doctors as well as nurses who work in developing countries. In my point of view, to decide the salary of each job, it should be relied on two factors, namely contribution and necessity. Firstly, workers income should depend on their contribution. The more do the field contribute, the more the workers can earn as this benefits the growth of the nations. For instance, in many countries, police officers are highly earned as they help to plunge the criminal rate. Furthermore, the necessity of the job is one of the most crucial factors to decide workers earning. if the job is in need, the governments should rise the worker’s earning in order to attract more workers for that particular field. Studies have shown that as many diseases are popular, salary of a nurse is twice as much as salary of an accountant. In conclusion, I am convinced that several workers in medical and educational field should be paid higher instead of film actors or company bosses. I believe that to decide workers salary, the contribution and the necessity of the job should be noted.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
it
is true that certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
such as medical or education
are undervalued
and should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
more. While the others state that film actors or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
bosses should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
with a huge sum of money, I would
strongly
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nurses
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
should be more valued in the modern society.

First
and foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
more due to the higher demand of education from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the world. I believe that education is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
path that leads us to wealth from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
that can
be earned
from our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. The higher is the level of teaching, the harder the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
teach in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the students understand
fully
their lessons. As the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
, they should deserve a great amount of money due to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contribution
to student’s success, which can lead to student’s bright future.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nurses
are the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
health.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
being
healthy is a dream for everyone in the world and it is
being considered
as one of the most fundamental keys to build a happy life.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not healthy, they cannot enjoy the fullest happiness in the world.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nurses
are responsible in treating diseases
as well
as preventing it from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration for this is in Africa countries, which has frequent diseases occurred,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nurses
are
extremely
in need.
As a result
, African
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
set a high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
with tremendous appreciation for any high-quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nurses
who work in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
.

In my point of view, to decide the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
of each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, it should
be relied
on two factors,
namely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contribution
and necessity.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
income should depend on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contribution
. The more do the field contribute, the more the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
can earn as this benefits the growth of the nations.
For instance
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, police officers are
highly
earned as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to plunge the criminal rate.
Furthermore
, the necessity of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is one of the most crucial factors to decide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
earning.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
if
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is in need, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should rise the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker’s
earning in order to attract more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
for that particular field. Studies have shown that as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
diseases are popular,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nurse
is twice as much as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
of an accountant.

In conclusion
, I
am convinced
that several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
in medical and educational field should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
higher
instead
of film actors or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
bosses. I believe that to decide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contribution
and the necessity of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
should
be noted
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
46Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay In these days, certain jobs such as medical or education are undervalued and should be paid more. While the others state that film actors or company bosses should be paid with a huge sum of money v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
435 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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