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In the past, sports champions used to be motivated by the desire to win a match or to break the world records. These days, they are more likely to be motivated by prize money and the opportunity to be famous. What message does this send to young people and how does this attitude to sport affect the sports themselves? v.2

In the past, sports champions used to be motivated by the desire to win a match or to break the world records. These days, they are more likely to be motivated by prize money and the opportunity to be famous. What message does this send to young people and how does this attitude to sport affect the sports themselves? v. 2
In the bygone days, the aim of an athlete was to win the competition or to set a new world record. Nowadays, it has changed, as many players are motivated by the prize and the popularity. The following essay will discuss how the effect of the changes to the young generation and how it has affected to the sports industry. To begin with, as athletes’ motivation has changed nowadays, it brings some negative effects to the young people. It is a fact that many football or basketball stars are highly paid and become very popular these days. The condition has led them into a luxurious or glamorous lifestyle, and many of them are married to a famous actress or a supermodel. It has conveyed some negative messages to the young people that professional athletes world is a world of parties, wealth and hedonism lifestyles. Meanwhile, in the past, athletes’ motivation was to be the best in his field and become a good role model for the young generation with their hardworking attitude. As professional players are highly paid these days, it has changed the paradigm of the sports industry. Sports leagues are becoming commercialised as they need the money to pay these athletes. Ticket prices are ridiculously expensive, and during a live game on television, so many commercials are added. And then, many games are showing more of an individual attraction rather than a solid teamwork, as each of the athletes is trying to become the dominant player. And last but not least, many sports leagues are filled with negative issues nowadays due to the commercialization, such as athletes strike on salary cap or corruption by some sports bodies. In conclusion, it is true that sports have become an attractive business nowadays. Many athletes are well paid and sports leagues have become a great opportunity for some parties. Despite all the fortunes, the pure essences of sports which are sportive, teamwork and discipline are all lost. Athletes are becoming more individualistic and have some negative lifestyles and it could be a bad example for the young generation. And then sports industrialisation has negatively affected many sports organisations. Therefore it is the government’s task to set some clear regulation about the world of sport.
In the bygone days, the aim of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athlete
was to win the competition or to set a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
record.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Nowadays
, it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
players
are motivated
by the prize and the popularity. The following essay will discuss how the effect of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation and how it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
industry.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes’
motivation has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nowadays
, it brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effects to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. It is a fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
football or basketball stars are
highly
paid and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
popular these days. The condition has led them into a luxurious or glamorous lifestyle, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them
are married
to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
actress or a supermodel. It has conveyed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
messages to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
of parties, wealth and hedonism lifestyles. Meanwhile, in the past,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes’
motivation was to be the best in his field and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
role model for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation with their hardworking attitude.

As professional players are
highly
paid these days, it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the paradigm of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
industry.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sports
leagues are becoming
Possible spelling mistake. 'commercialised' is British English.
commercialised
as they need the money to pay these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
. Ticket prices are
ridiculously
expensive, and during a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
game on television,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
commercials are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
. And then,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
games are showing more of an individual attraction
rather
than a solid teamwork, as each of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
is trying to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
the dominant player. And last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
leagues
are filled
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
issues
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nowadays
due to the commercialization, such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
strike on salary cap or corruption by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
bodies.

In conclusion
, it is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
an attractive business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nowadays
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
are well paid and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
leagues have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a great opportunity for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parties. Despite all the fortunes, the pure essences of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
which are sportive, teamwork and discipline are all lost.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Athletes
are becoming more individualistic and have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
lifestyles and it could be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
example for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation. And then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
Possible spelling mistake. 'industrialisation' is British English.
industrialisation
has
negatively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
it is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
’s task to set
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
regulation about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
42Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
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Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay In the past, sports champions used to be motivated by the desire to win a match or to break the world records. These days, they are more likely to be motivated by prize money and the opportunity to be famous. What message does this send to young people and how does this attitude to sport affect the sports themselves? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
373 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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