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In the future, it is expected that there will be a higher proportion of older people in some countries. Is this positive or negative development? v.2

In the future, it is expected that there will be a higher proportion of older people in some countries. Is this positive or negative development? v. 2
Developments in medical technology and health care systems, among many other factors, are leading to people having longer life expectancy than before. As this trend continues, in the future, we can expect the number of older people will be much greater than that of young people. In several ways, society may benefit from a growing proportion of senior citizens. However, I believe the rest of the world population would have to shoulder much more responsibilities and the global economy would face a serious labour crisis. On the positive side, an increase in the number of old people means a greater pool of volunteers for community and government projects. These people are usually more financially comfortable and therefore more willing to contribute free labour to ameliorating their communities. For example, we often see old people in developed countries engage in charity work to provide shelter and food for the homeless in their neighbourhoods. Such an act also instils a great sense of responsibility and altruism into the younger generation. This is, in fact, globally recognized to be advantageous in a world where selfishness hinder one from taking action for the sake of others. Nevertheless, aging populations will place the whole world under many pressures. Both governments and businesses will have to pay for increased retirement pensions and health care costs, which means taxpayers will have to bear a greater financial burden and younger workforce will have to work harder and care for the elderly at the same time. Furthermore, the lack of young labour workforce would cause stagnation for the growth of individual businesses and the global economy as a whole because little innovation may take place in this circumstance. As a matter of fact, many first world countries whose proportion of senior citizens is higher than that of young people, such as Japan, are already experiencing these undesirable impacts. In conclusion, an aging population is beneficial in certain ways. However, the benefits society may reap from an aging population cannot match the damage it inflicts. It is important that the world governments should not underestimate the complexity of this problem and take immediate action to reduce its future influences.
Developments in medical technology and health care systems, among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other factors, are leading to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
having longer life expectancy than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. As this trend continues, in the future, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
the number of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be much greater than that of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. In several ways, society may benefit from a growing proportion of senior citizens.
However
, I believe the rest of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
shoulder much more responsibilities and the global economy would face a serious
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
crisis.

On the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
side, an increase in the number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
means a greater pool of volunteers for community and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
projects. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
usually
more
financially
comfortable and
therefore
more willing to contribute free
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
to ameliorating their communities.
For example
, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
engage in charity work to provide shelter and food for the homeless in their
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhoods' is British English.
neighbourhoods
. Such an act
also
Possible spelling mistake. 'instils' is British English.
instils
a great sense of responsibility and altruism into the younger generation. This is, in fact, globally recognized to be advantageous in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
where selfishness hinder one from taking action for the sake of others.

Nevertheless
, aging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
populations
will place the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
under
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
pressures. Both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and businesses will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay for increased retirement pensions and health care costs, which means taxpayers will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
bear a greater financial burden and younger workforce will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work harder and care for the elderly at the same time.
Furthermore
, the lack of young
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
workforce would cause stagnation for the growth of individual businesses and the global economy as a whole
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
innovation may take place in this circumstance. As a matter of fact,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
countries whose proportion of senior citizens is higher than that of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, such as Japan, are already experiencing these undesirable impacts.

In conclusion
, an aging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
is beneficial in certain ways.
However
, the
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "benefits'" or "benefit's"?
benefits
society may reap from an aging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
cannot match the damage it
The word 'inflicts' contains a ligature (joined letters). Modern English does not usually use ligatures. A ligature in a word causes a spelling error. If the word is an English word, write it with standard characters.
inflicts
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should not underestimate the complexity of this problem and take immediate action to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
its future
The word 'influences' contains a ligature (joined letters). Modern English does not usually use ligatures. A ligature in a word causes a spelling error. If the word is an English word, write it with standard characters.
influences
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay In the future, it is expected that there will be a higher proportion of older people in some countries. Is this positive or negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
359 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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