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In the future, it is expected that there will be a higher proportion of older people in some countries. Is this positive or negative development? v.1

In the future, it is expected that there will be a higher proportion of older people in some countries. Is this positive or negative development? v. 1
The travel industry, as of now, is growing fast, especially in developing countries. The main reason can be that tourism generates a lot of profits and thus, is one of the most important economic sectors. However, in my opinion, this development might indicate some negative aspects of these nations. On the one hand, tourism activities are promoted in developing countries because they offer great economic benefits. As these activities get popular, people from other local towns and countries don't only come to visit but also invest. This will lead to new constructions, new businesses and as a result, more employment opportunities for the local people. More jobs are created and the amount of income tax rises, contributing to the government’s budget, which as a whole can substantially improve the living standards of people and strengthen the country’s economy. For example, in the past two years, Carpentaria Shire in Queensland has seen a rise in household income after tourism activities were promoted and grew popular. On the other hand, despite the economic benefits it brings, the development of tours may act as a detriment to the local environment. The construction of tourism facilities like hotels can drastically change the landscape of one area. Tourism puts enormous stress on local land use, and can lead to soil erosion, increased pollution, natural habitat loss, and more pressure on endangered species. These effects can gradually destroy the environmental resources on which tourism itself depends. For example, Bali is hardly a tropical paradise as it used to be. Due to mass tourism, Kuta Beach has become a nightmare with trash everywhere, inviting rats to feast there day and night. Overall, I believe the financial advantages that tourism offers is undoubtedly the main reason why developing countries are expanding this industry. Nevertheless, without proper maintenance procedures, this development can be troublesome in the long run.
The travel industry, as of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, is growing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
,
especially
in developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. The main reason can be that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
generates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
profits and
thus
, is one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
economic sectors.
However
, in my opinion, this development might indicate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects of these nations.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
activities
are promoted
in developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they offer great economic benefits. As these activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
popular,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
towns and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to visit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
invest. This will lead to new constructions, new businesses and
as a result
, more employment opportunities for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. More jobs
are created
and the amount of income tax rises, contributing to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
’s budget, which as a whole can
substantially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the living standards of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and strengthen the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
economy.
For example
, in the past two years,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Carpentaria
Shire in Queensland has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
a rise in household income after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
activities
were promoted
and grew popular.

On the other hand
, despite the economic benefits it brings, the development of tours may act as a detriment to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
environment. The construction of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
facilities like hotels can
drastically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the landscape of one area.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Tourism
puts enormous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
land
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
, and can lead to soil erosion, increased pollution, natural habitat loss, and more pressure on endangered species. These effects can
gradually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
the environmental resources on which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
itself depends.
For example
, Bali is hardly a tropical paradise as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be. Due to mass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kuta
Beach has become a nightmare with trash everywhere, inviting rats to feast there day and night.

Overall
, I believe the financial advantages that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
offers is
undoubtedly
the main reason why developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are expanding this industry.
Nevertheless
, without proper maintenance procedures, this development can be troublesome in the long run.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay In the future, it is expected that there will be a higher proportion of older people in some countries. Is this positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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