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In spite of the advances made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry. Why is this case? What can be done about this problem? v.6

In spite of the advances made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry. Why is this case? What can be done about this problem? v. 6
In the current era, the Agriculture industry is one of the booming sectors across the globe because of the use of modern technology in growing the crops. However, despite of the more agricultural produce, numerous people in many regions cannot have food. In this essay, i shall discuss the reason behind this problem and the actions should take to solve this issue. First of all, nowadays many farmers are making use of latest technologies and changed the way they are farming rather than following the traditional methods of farming, as a result of which the agricultural produce is more worldwide and helps in generating employment opportunities as well. However, the large amount of population worldwide still living below the poverty lines and don't have food for living. The main culprit behind all this mess are the agents which take the produce at a very low cost from the farmer and then it went through various distribution channels and finally, when it reached to the end customer, its price is almost 10 times the rate at which it was originally sold, which makes it unaffordable for the poor. For instance, currently the onion price is India is 100 rupees per kg. Which is almost 50 times more than the original price set by the government authorities. The enforcement of strict laws is the only solution to get rid of this problem. The authorities should do a daily check of both government and privately owned warehouses and keep a note of the stock so that prices remain in control. To conclude, although there is enough agricultural yield every year, but due to lack of strict government laws, many people face hunger for which the only solution is the enforcement of strict laws.
In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
era, the Agriculture industry is one of the booming sectors across the globe
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of modern technology in growing the crops.
However
,
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
the more agricultural produce, numerous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
regions cannot have food. In this essay,
Did you mean "I"?
i
shall discuss the reason behind this problem and the actions should take to solve this issue.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
farmers are making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
technologies and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the way they are farming
rather
than following the traditional methods of farming,
as a result
of which the agricultural produce is more worldwide and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in generating employment opportunities
as well
.
However
, the large amount of population worldwide
still
living below the poverty lines and don't have food for living. The main culprit behind all this mess are the agents which take the produce at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
low cost from the farmer and then it went through various distribution channels and
finally
, when it reached to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
customer, its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
price
is almost 10 times the rate at which it was
originally
sold, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it unaffordable for the poor.
For instance
,
currently
the onion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
price
is India is 100 rupees per kg.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
is almost 50 times more than the original
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
price
set by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
authorities.

The enforcement of strict laws is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
solution to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of this problem. The authorities should do a daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
of both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and
privately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
warehouses and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
a note of the stock
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prices
remain in control.

To conclude
, although there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
agricultural yield every year,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
due to lack of strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
laws,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
face hunger for which the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
solution is the enforcement of strict laws.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay In spite of the advances made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry. Why is this case? What can be done about this problem? v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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