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In spite of the advances made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry. Why is this case? What can be done about this problem? v.14

In spite of the advances made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry. Why is this case? What can be done about this problem? v. 14
In the current world, Eventhough advancement has been made in the field of cultivation, people choose agriculture as their primary occupation is minimum just as those who prefer their major occupation to be various fields other than agriculture. Thus, the major reason behind minimum Number of agriculturist is because of believing instilled by some people, which states that "horticulture is for uneducated people while educated people should become a doctor or an engineer than a farmer". Therefore, These unnecessary thoughts have to be removed in order to have a large number of agriculturists. Moreover, when each individual decides to choose farming as their major field which in turn helps us to earn more food for future generations. Furthermore, the reason behind people's hunger around the world and the steps to be taken will be discussed in the upcoming paragraph. To begin with, there are several evidence which points out the cause behind a person's hunger. Firstly, the major reason behind the majority number of people's hunger is "the increase of population ". For instance, It wouldn't have been if the population rate and the number of farmers are same. But the problem arises when the population rate is greater than the people to farm the crops. Therefore, these problems can be solved by taking Certain measures such as providing awareness classes for children and adults, encourage farming, Finding new technologies to minimize labour. In the end, farming is a backbone of one's country without farming lots of people may die because of Hunger. therefore, it is necessary for each individual to grow crops.
In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
world,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Eventhough
advancement has
been made
in the field of cultivation,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose agriculture as their primary occupation is minimum
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
as those who prefer their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
occupation to be various fields other than agriculture.
Thus
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
reason behind minimum

Number of agriculturist is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of believing instilled by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, which states that
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
horticulture is for uneducated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
while educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should become a doctor or an engineer than a farmer
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
.
Therefore
, These unnecessary thoughts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be removed
in order to have
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
agriculturists.
Moreover
, when each individual decides to choose farming as their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
field which in turn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
us to earn more food for future generations.
Furthermore
, the reason behind
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's hunger around the world and the steps to
be taken
will
be discussed
in the upcoming paragraph.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are
Possible agreement error. The noun evidence seems to be uncountable; consider using: "some evidence".
several evidence
which points out the cause behind a person's hunger.
Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
reason behind the majority number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's hunger is
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
the increase of population
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
.
For instance
, It wouldn't have been if the population rate and the number of farmers are same.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the problem arises when the population rate is greater than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to farm the crops.

Therefore
, these problems can
be solved
by taking

Certain measures such as providing awareness classes for children and adults, encourage farming,

Finding new technologies to minimize
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
.

In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, farming is a backbone of one's country without farming lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of

Hunger.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
therefore
, it is necessary for each individual to grow crops.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay In spite of the advances made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry. Why is this case? What can be done about this problem? v. 14

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
263 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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