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1836 Describe a show or performance that you enjoyed watching You should say What kind of performance it was When and where you saw it Who you saw it with Who the performers were And explain why you attended this performance v.1

1836 Describe a show or performance that you enjoyed watching You should say What kind of performance it was When and where you saw it Who you saw it with Who the performers were And explain why you attended this performance v. 1
The debate whether it is a positive or negative development that today people are spending more money on the consumer goods than ever before, has now become a matter of discussion for many. Personally, I believe that the benefits of this trend outweigh the drawbacks. In this essay, I shall critically analyse the topic and outline the both sides of this change. On the one hand, there are some clear profits of this tendency. Firstly, nowadays, people are more aware about the personal hygiene this is due to the fact that the companies who manufacture these products, constantly advertise and promote the benefits of such items to the public. This has resulted in both the good and bad news. As, although, it has improved the living quality of the people, however, it is also the reason for the rapid growth in the prices of the consumer goods. Secondly, it has also helped in increasing the economy of many countries, as this market growth has opened many gates for the new employment opportunities. On the other hand, this movement has fueled a number of problems for the society. First, people are now more obsessed with their looks and materialistic possessions than ever. In addition, an article published by the Oxford University, revealed that 7 out of 10 people, rate themselves as not attractive enough, due to the bad influence of the cosmetic industry on the people's judgement. Lastly, there is ample evidence that this trend is directly responsible for the increased number of the people suffering from social anxiety and depression. In conclusion, this is a topic which raises many questions in the contemporary life. After thorough examination of the subject, and taking the given examples into consideration, I am inclined to say that the positive aspects of this development surpass the negative points.
The debate whether it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are spending more money on the consumer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
become a matter of discussion for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
.
Personally
, I believe that the benefits of this trend outweigh the drawbacks. In this essay, I shall
critically
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
the topic and outline the both sides of this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
profits of this tendency.
Firstly
, nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more aware about the personal hygiene
this is due to the fact that
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
who manufacture these products,
constantly
advertise and promote the benefits of such items to the public. This has resulted in both the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
news. As, although, it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
the living quality of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
however
, it is
also
the reason for the rapid growth in the prices of the consumer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
.
Secondly
, it has
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
in increasing the economy of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, as this market growth has opened
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
gates for the new employment opportunities.

On the other hand
, this movement has fueled a number of problems for the society.
First
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
more obsessed with their looks and materialistic possessions than ever.
In addition
, an article published by the Oxford University, revealed that 7 out of 10
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, rate themselves as not attractive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
, due to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
influence of the cosmetic industry on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's judgement.
Lastly
, there is ample evidence that this trend is
directly
responsible for the increased number of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suffering from social anxiety and depression.

In conclusion
, this is a topic which raises
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
questions in the contemporary life. After thorough examination of the subject, and taking the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
examples into consideration, I
am inclined
to say that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects of this development surpass the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
points.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay 1836 Describe a show or performance that you enjoyed watching You should say What kind of performance it was When and where you saw it Who you saw it with Who the performers were And explain why you attended this performance v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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